Robo-Geisha
Suck it
90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.
Well,
about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan. And yes, this movie is weird…Really
ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water
weird.
Are you
afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha
Released
in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy,
it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but
a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.
Ever
wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A
Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:
An
ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and
nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot
castles and a nurse…for some reason.
What is
this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have
much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get
away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed.
It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being
pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get
along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank
account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just
roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is
an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil
stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil
business.
Thus the
two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead
of saying:
“eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from
the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can
roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of
‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters
decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible,
getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually
become ‘The Very Best’.
Well,
the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for
dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just
happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the
lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country,
decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which
has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random
building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…
You thought i was kiding, didn't ya? |
This
movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so
bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?
But all
kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not
laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said
note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while,
which in my case only entertained me more.
The intention
was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t
one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.
The only
thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the
humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step
further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also
shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us
in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as
if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better
than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick
with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen
shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works
perfectly.
I spoke
of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some
of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies
everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent
Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s
pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top
and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy
with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts
back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.
The dialogue…do
I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man
is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:
- “Kill
me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but
you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet,
right?”
I rest
my case.
I don’t
know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast
milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was
throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a
watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches
this one carefully but I still highly recommend
it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most
random thing you’ll ever see.
Things I’ve
learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:
-
Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.
-
Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm
troopers.
-
Grandpa be packing heat.
- Ass-swords…really
movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?
Personal rating: 8,5/10
Critical rating: 4,5/10
Yep, Japan is my favorite country too. So many crazy movies like this one, and of course, classics like Seven Samurai, 13 Assassins, Godzilla, etc. Heck, they actually have two films with the titles Big Tits Zombie and Rape Zombie aka Lust of the Dead. They've really got to go to extremes to shock now.
ReplyDeleteJapan's culture is far more daring than western filmmakers. one of the fews that really goes over and beyond to entertain, and that's something worth apreciating.
Deletealtough some would say they go too far with movies such as Ichi the killer (Amazing insane movie btw) but at least they keep you guessing. i was planning to do a review of either suicide squad or battle royal and all it's sh8tsquels, but now you've given me ideas with Big Tits Zombie and Rape Zombie, thanks for that XD
Ichi the Killer is fantastic. Crazy like a lot of Takashi Miike's stuff but awesome, and Battle Royale is one of my favorite films (I even like the sequel even though it's nowhere near as good). I haven't seen Suicide Squad... do you mean Suicide Club? I never saw that one though. I've been meaning to for a long time but haven't yet.
DeleteRape Zombie aka Lust of the Dead has two sequels as well. You can tell from the trailer though they're all awful.
oh yeah, suicide club is the one i meant, sorry XD
Deleteand battle royal is simply amazing, but i couldn't sit trough the sequel, just didn't do it for me.