Zombie Strippers! 2008 Review

Zombie Strippers!

Because there are still people out there wanking to it

Well, time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly necrophiliac propaganding  journey, no other than Freddy himself, goddamit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.

Well, to be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also Jenna Jameson plays in this, here a guilty high five to those who know who she is…

And yes, before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.

In a not too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal. A small group of commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.

And then things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets even weirder.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be classified as toilet humor, but what can I say, it works. On the other end of the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.

But for all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while, and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you the trouble, no, there isn’t.

And it’s a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’ pretentious, but I can’t see the joke, I mean why have the setup by having one character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is born evil, just to never either answer those questions or never have a joke that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is, maybe unwillingly, pretentious.

For a movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations, something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo, and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.

Might want to rethink that lapdance...

But back to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud. The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.

So, final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.

However, I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. However if you don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and scenes than I could mention.

Personal rating:    7/10

Critical rating:    5.5/10

Things I learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:

- Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die

- This future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman’

- I’ll never look at a billiard ball the same way

- Rhino in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card

- Foaming Chewbacca…seriously internet?

- and I though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…

Sint 2010 Review

Sint

Bloodshed and Pepernoten

Aww yeah, time to get some culture up in this b8tch.

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the northern European country of Holland, where the weather’s sh8t and the potheads are many. As much as I sometimes dislike the country and its lack of mountains, genuine eatable food, horrible driving habit and overall simply retarded government, if there’s one thing I’m grateful for, it’s the extra holydays (and the beer is also worth mentioning).

Seriously, there are so many holydays in this country, it’s impossible to count, the Dutch don’t drop their pants without taking the day off to celebrate. You’ve got the day big  J was born, the day he died, the day he rose up again, the day he went up to heaven, the day he got his first beer. Hell, they even have a holyday named “Koninginnedag”  (admit it kinda sounds like a Norwegian deathmetal band), but I dare you to find anyone who actually knows what the hell they are celebrating.

But one of these Holyday’s is on the fifth of December called “Sinterklaas”, where an anorexic Santa gets of his cruise ship with his countless racial offensive ‘helpers’ and goes around scaring the hell out of your kids and throwing candy to your face that taste like a camel’s a88 covered in spices.

But technically, it’s exactly the same as Christmas(an holyday the Dutch also celebrates 20 days later), except Santa put down his slim Jim and the elves are literal 18e century slaves who brings presents to all little good boys and girls, which instead of putting them under a tree, they proceed to cram into their wooden shoes because the concept of actually being able to walk was optional in Holland.

So of course, in 2010, someone thought it was a great idea to copy “Santa Slay” and give our friendly bearded friend a makeover, said genius was Dick Maas, who also made a movie about a killer elevator that was awesome and that I definitely recommend ( ‘De Lift’)  , but who now makes movies about killer festivities, how low one can fall…

So in the spirit of December, and one day after Sinterklaas, let’s take a look at the Dutch horror fest: Sint,

It’s 5 December once again it the great capital of the Rastafarian worldwide, Amsterdam, and everyone is busy preparing for yet another holyday. Well, except for detective Hoekstra, although he is also preparing but in his own way, which involves a surprising amount of firepower, because he know that if there is a full moon on the fifth of November, the friendly saint Nicholas, who was a ruthless child kidnapping pirate back in the days, will set port with his nightmarish ship and his army of the death to murder, pillage and burn the city to the ground.

And as the full moon is just about to rise on this faithful night, we follow a desperate attempt to stop this massacre by Hoekstra and other soon to be dead underperformed teenagers.

Lost ya didn’t I? it’s probably around this point that you’ve come to wonder “pirates, ghostship, undead army, is this the Dutch Pirates of the Caribbean??”

And unfortunately I’ll have to answer no, although I’m sure Depp would make this movie quite interesting, the whole pirates thing is pretty easily overshadowed when you see an undead St Nicholas riding on rooftops with his horse to escape the cops.

And before you ask, is this movie mean to be silly, yes. Oh yes it is, but that doesn’t mean it can’t have some great scares here and there.

The acting’s bearable, for the most part at least, the main teenager is a tad bit annoying at times and everybody seems to be reading lines instead of trying to give life to a character, but eh, I had my expectation lowered when I heard about this movie anyway.

The atmosphere in the later acts of this movie are great but I still feel like the ending just kinda happened, very little build up, no real feel of urgency, just disappointing and rushed.

But really it’s not about the characters or the story, it’s about seeing St Nick coming to town killing and maiming and being an all-around badass, and then leaving , kind of a simple summary for the whole movie I guess, and while it lasted, I kind of liked it.

But the biggest problem I fear for ‘Sint’ is the language and cultural barrier, which for non-Netherlanders can be kinda hard to pull trough. As far as I know there isn’t a dub, so if any non-Dutch want to give it a try, brace yourselves, it can be rough.

So at the end of the day, is it worth watching? Well, it’s as good as one would expect. But I’m not so sure that’s a compliment…

Personal rating: 6/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Things I’ve learned from “Sint”

- Did they just blow up all those kids at the end?? HOW IS THIS A GOOD THING??

- Zombie ninja pirates are awesome at stealing yo kidz

- Cops are d8cks

Two Evil Eyes 1990 Review

Two Evil Eyes

Two heads, one movie, half the effort,  and a shi8tton of apologies to poor ‘ol Eddie Poe

Ah yes, Edgar Allen Poe, once a tragic writer ahead of its time, now but a mere throwaway joke whenever a movie director can’t come up with some original idea.

Yes it seems there are more Poe based movies around than high-schools in anime, well I don’t care if the idea’s been dryer than Conrad Hilton’s tit after a Night In Paris, believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watch this little mess that we call “Two evil eyes”.

Why? Four words: George A f8king Romero. Now what heresy is this, you might ask, a campy movie critic who’s repertoire seems to exists solely on Evil dead 2 jokes, admiring the zombie master himself known as Goerge A Romero? Most unorthodox!...wait not really, it actually goes as well hand in hand as a creepy dog owner and peanut butter.

Yes of course I adore anything with the man’s name on it, hell, I’ve even given “The Crazies” remake a free pass for having his name in the credits. So when I heard he made a movie that flew under everyone’s radar I went nuts and watched the damn thing, and I must say, after having seeing it, I start to see why everyone disregarded it like road kill.

Because there is another half to this otherwise awesome coin, Dario Argento.

Most people seem to actually like the guy, hell, he’s even seen as one of the better horror movie directors out there, personally though? I really don’t like him. Sure I haven’t seen every single one of his movies, but the ones I saw didn’t really catch my eyes or anything, and the guy himself is a complete creep. But then again, I’m just one guy and obviously not someone who was asked if it was a good idea to put these two directors in the same room with an Edgar Allan Poe novel.

So two movies for the price of one, what could go wrong?

The first story, directed by Romero, is a recreation of “the facts in the case of Mr. Valdemar”, a story an unlikable wife who cheats of her unlikable dying husband Valdemar with an unlikable doctor. Gees, talk about screwing you’re affair on your husband’s dying bed.

Well, it might come as no surprise that the characters aren’t the main driving point here seeing as they could easily been rewritten with top hats and monochromes and make a guest appearance in Captain Planet. What really gets this story going is that the unlikable wife has to keep her husband alive long enough to get the green the old geezer is sleeping on , unfortunately said task prove to be difficult as he trades his wardrobe for a red shirt and bites the dust faster than you can say ‘gold digger’. Fortunately the doctor had Valdemar under hypnosis at the time of dead, and it seems to have created a mortal loophole leaving the old man in-between worlds. It’s only when the spirits from the other side get tired of this cast of assh8les and decide to take control of the dead body and go on a rampage that the story really picks up it's pace.

The second story, by Dario Argento, is no other than “The Black Cat”, a great story and a really sick and twisted look into the human creativity.

The movie however? Weird as hell, we follow Harvey Keitel playing a freelance photographer who’s girlfriend’s cat is driving insane. That’s about it without going into spoiler territory, however, if you read the story, you know it doesn’t end well for anyone.

All right, my thought on the first movie, The facts in the case of Mr Valdemar? All right at best.

One of the many problems is the fact that the story is amazingly slow, and the good part doesn’t come till the last five minutes or so, and of course Romero found a way to work some zombies in there somewhere. But yeah, as a standalone movie, it’s good, the characters are unlikable, sure, but their motives are clear and the situation they find themselves in is enjoyable to watch. And the ending is actually rewarding.

However, then we come to the point where I find myself obligated to talk about the Argento part.

The only way I can describe it, is as a putrid aftertaste to an already bland cake with some little chocolate bits here and there.

I’m really not a fan of it, it might be the confusing plot, the cruel and strange tone, or the throwaway characters.

The vibe is very weird, I guess that the story of a man going slowly insane should feel uneasy and weird, but I’m getting an overall feel of “Overtrying artsy-ness”.

The plot is all over the place, and a medieval dream sequence didn’t help my confusion, and you have to sink pretty low too make Hervey Keitel act like he’s got a stick up his ass (Watch the movie, you’ll get the joke).

But yeah, this part has some pretty big names, mainly Harvey Keitel who’s an amazing actor, and even…wait, is that Darla, Julie Benz? And he gave her the role of an extra? Damn you Argento, and you wonder why we can’t get along?

But even with the best actor, this part just seems to fall flat. And here’s another thing, I said in my top 10 favorite movies that the theme of the slow decent into madness is one of my favorite subject, the decadence of the soul is something I am very well accustom to, and it never seems to amaze me nonetheless, so this should be a feast for my eyes, but I the story is just too confusing, letting you hope for a higher meaning, a touch of symbolism, but the movie just never delivers and never goes the extra mile to draw you in and keep you invested in either the characters or the setting. Cruel, confusing and never deeper than the bottom of my shoe, that’s it in a nutshell if you can take my word for it.

So if you decide to watch this movie, take your time with the first one, the effects and story are rewarding in the end, but go ahead and skip the second one.

Personal rating: 5

Critical rating: 5.5

Things I’ve learned from “Two Evil Eyes”:

- The ‘Ripley’ hairdo made you irresistible in the 80s.

- This movie has the worse opening theme ever.

- Zombies don’t need lip sinc

- When the door open and a bunch of elves call you out to follow them, it’s probably best to lay off the liquor for a while.

- Nearly murdering an entire room of cops by acting like a dumbass to get some good pictures of half a naked chick is shrugged off by the officers like a minor inconvenience.

- In hindsight, going out with a guy who takes daily pictures of mutilated corpses wasn’t such a fresh idea to start with.

Re-Animator 1985 Review

Re-Animator

Lovecraftian shenanigans and other kinds of fun.

If you’re searching for good B-horror movie, the name ‘Re-Animator’ is certain to pop up, sure it ain’t as popular as ‘Evil Dead’ and not as gory as ‘Braindead/Dead-Alive’, but it respectably  stands proud on the top as a B movie you shouldn’t miss.

Directed in 1985, Re-Animator is an adaptation of from the novel of the same name by H.P Lovecraft.

For those who don’t know , I’m a huge Lovecraft fan, and I mean huge (just between us, I welcome our fishy overlords). The mythology, the dark symbolism, the perfect and rich writing, what’s not to love?

Just for those who don’t know, here’s a quick recap:

H.P Lovecraft was a writer in the earl 1900 who made a mediocre  living by writing scary stories for a newspaper. Unfortunately, like most geniuses, he wasn’t recognized for his talent until after his death. He was often called the Edgar Allan Poe of his time, his stories were often based on ancient deities that once ruled the earth that sometime came back to take their old kingdom which often ends in madness and chaos, with more than often it’s fair share of undead monstrosities and other nightmare fuel for weeks.

But is this movie faithful to the tale of Herbert West, the man who cheated death? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Herbert West, a talented and maybe a little eccentric neurologist scientist is just transferred to the University of Arkham (for all you Batman fans out there, that’s where the name came from) from Zurich, under questionable circumstances. He unfortunately drives his roommate Dan with him in his crazy theories that involves the resurrection of dead tissue. Dan, not being a complete idiot right off the bat decides to tell West to go to hell, but after some blackmail and an unfortunate instance involving a zombie Mr Whiskers, Dan finds himself helping West acquiring cadavers for his experiments.

West succeed to cheat death and with ideas of grandeur decides to test his serum further and in even more immoral ways, unfortunately, his plans are thwarted as a teacher catches wind of his little rehearsal of the Night Of The Living Dead and decides to put his plans to be a creepy horny old stalker toward Dan’s girlfriend on hold to stroll in the scene to steal the credit. This should be quickly solved seen as that West can create an army of hungry undead to eat the teacher’s wrinkly old behind, but things get complicated when the teacher turns out to have hypnotic powers…wait what now?

Wouldn't be a real Lovecraft tale without
some Cthulhu symbolisme, would it now?

Ok, that’s where the movie kinda lost me, hypnotism? I guess it makes the idea sort of interesting, but I personally prefer the route the book took by making West face his own creations and letting his ambitions be his undoing, instead of a pissed off perv with magic powers.

But first, before comparing it to the novel, how does this movie hold on its own? Well, it’s good, great even. The practical effects have that good old 80s campy feel and the characters and their motives are well portrayed, the only problem I have with it it’s that it’s pretty slow, the first half is purely to show how much of a psycho West is and how he manipulates people, and only near the end do the zombies really kick in the door at the plot’s house to ask for their screentime, which is a shame really, but well, that’s to be expected from a movie that was adapted from a novel.

The dialogue isn’t anything special, it’s not bad but it’s probably noting you’ll remember, exept for West screaming “Overdose!” while finishing off a zombie Mortal Kombat style.

But how does this movie hold up in comparison with the novel? Mhe

I guess it follows the overall story okay, a few changes here and there, mainly due to the fact that it was set in the eighties instead of the early 1900, so acquiring a corpse was as easy as walking through a door (I’m not kidding, they have like, zero security at the Arkham university’s morgue), instead of unearthing the dead at the local cemetery  causing the suspicion of the townsfolk like in the novel.

The consequences are also very light in comparison with the novel, in the movie, the worse that happens in the first act is that the cops are slightly questioning West’s motives while holding one of his zombies captive, slowly leading to the attention of the teacher, while in the book one of its creature, a dead boxer beaten to death in a match, escapes and goes on a murderous rampage, before disappearing, and West becomes completely paranoid till the end of his days, increasing his madness that slowly got worse after doing the horrible deeds he did in the name of science.

But the biggest difference between the novel and the adaptation has to be none other than Herbert West himself. In the book, he was described as a quiet and charismatic young man highly talented in science, but still with a slight touch of a sinister plot crawling in the back of his head, he only really began to lose his mind after he tried multiple times to resurrect the dead, and by the end, he was but a mere shell of his former self and was a paranoid self-loathing man who welcomed the sweet embrace of death by its own creations.

The Herbert West of the movie? A complete and utter scumbag who parasites off everyone to achieve his goals. He is as mad as a kite at some points and even supposedly killed his roommate’s cat to experiment on it. He blackmails, lies and walks on everyone through the movie without caring for anything other than his experiments.

Do I think it’s a good thing they changed the iconic Re-animator from the book? Surprisingly, I do. I liked the Herbert West from the novel, but this one is definitely more at home in the movie, more dramatical and sometimes straight up scary. You never know how far he is willing to go to accomplish his goals, or you’re afraid of knowing exactly how far he’ll go. The actor pulls off the smug face and the insanity perfectly, along with all his other little mannerisms to really flesh out this character.

My opinion? Good movie, kinda slow but rewarding, give it a watch if you haven’t already, and while you’re at it, definitely check out “Herbert West-reanimator” by Lovecraft, not his best story but still a really good one.

Lovecrafian fanboyism
Don't leave home without it

What I’ve learned from "Re-animator":

- Instead of slapping someone in the face with a glove the students of Arkham have found another way to challenge each other, constantly breaking off pencils in front of your rival in comedic fashion until he snaps and question your neurological knowledge.

- Talking without a windpipe? Sure, no problem, hell, you don’t even need lungs according to this movie, but since this was also in the book, I guess I have no right to b8tch about it

- Actually, a whole lot about neurology

- Well, never thought they’d top it, but yup, there is a worse rape scene in this movie than the infamous Evil Dead tree rape, this one has a decapitated head 0-0

Personal rating: 7.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

SexyKiller 2008 Review

SexyKiller

Psychotic crazy chick and zombies, sure, why the hell not?

Imagine watching a police drama, ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ and ‘The Simple Life’ at the same time while reading a Deadpool comic, and all that with a nonstop loop of the song “I’m a Barbie Girl” By Aqua blasting in the background at full volume.

Yup, that’s pretty much the experience of watching ‘Sexy Killer’ in a nutshell.

This little Spanish movie from 2008 was brought to us by Miguel Martí (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who it is).
And damn, why aren’t there more movies like that?

Meet Barbara: a psychotic college airhead that constantly breaks the forth wall by speaking directly into the camera and explain exactly why she is going to murder that one chick for wearing an outfit that she was so gonna maybe buy…ish.

Her life consist of trying out multiple outfits and killing pervs and anyone who annoys her, such as slutty classmates and horny teachers. Unfortunately her less than subtle murders seem to have caught the attention of the police, and two coroners and science students, who have managed to create a machine that can read the mind, even of the early departed. It would be only ironic that one of the two scientist falls in love with our favorite nail-polished sociopath and is mistaken himself by her as a fellow psychopath, with him being unobvious of the whole situation.

Little does Barbara known that the mind reading machine also seems to have some necromantic side effects, and soon, all her previous victims rise from the grave to take revenge and nom on all the brains they come across, and where else to do that but the Halloween fiesta?

What can I say? I loved this movie. Barbara is one of the most entertaining characters I’ve seen in a long time, and her ass kicking skills propels the plot forward at rocket speed, even if sometime the chronology can be confusing. A good chunk of the movie is told by Barbara to a guy she is torturing for running over her poodle ‘Jason’(yes, that’s a reference). She tells him, and thus us as well, how this whole ordeal came to be.

I gotta say, this has to be one of the most colorful dark comedy I’ve seen in a while. Everything to Barbara telling us how to asphyxiate some guy like she was on a cooking program, to a ‘House Of The Dead’ish climax with “The Bird Is The Word” song from family guy playing in the background.

This whole movie reminded me a lot of Suda 51’s ‘Lollypop Chainsaw’, if Julie would be a psychotic b8tch. Colorful and over the top while being self-aware and funny as hell.

There’s also a very “Re-Animator”esk subplot with the love interest and his friend playing around with the possibilities of playing god. The best part is when the love interest accidentally raise the first zombie and is then forced to raise the others in hope he will uncover the identity of their killer, quickly having to explain to his ex-classmates why they are dead. The zombies are very self-consent with what is happening to them and are even able to talk like regular people, for a while…then they just become your everyday rotting corps in search of brains.

The main focus of the first half of this movie is mainly Barbara slaughtering left and right, wondering why Leonardo Dicaprio had to die at the end of ‘Titanic’ while drowning a classmate, and the police trying to uncover the identity of the killer.

The second half is more a epic showdown between Barbara and her revived victims, which opens for more than enough hilarious and kick ass scenes.

The humor overall really reminded me of the likes of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and even “Shaun Of The Dead” at times, I can’t say I’ve seen many Spanish movies, but if the comedy is as good as in “SexyKiller”, I might have to check it out.

The only downsides I can come up with is that since this movie didn’t do great at the box office, I don’t expect a dubbed version anytime soon. Also the effects are pretty sh8t at times, but that only adds to the B-movie glory that is this great movie. And all is forgiven to a movie that refers to ‘Evil Dead’ in its final act. Although I gotta ask, is she called Barbara as an homage to the main character from the original Zombie movie ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or am I just overthinking it?

Definitely recommending this one folks, great time guaranteed.

Things I’ve learned from ‘SexyKiller’:

- Zombies make the best BFF’s

- How to lose weight as a psychopath, for example, biting someone’s ear off burns 120 calories

- Chainsaws aren’t as useful as one would think in a zombie outbreak, I mean, it takes around ten minutes to get it to work, at least according to this movie.

- The amount of B-movies references in this movie is too damn high

[Special Award]

Earliest nude scene: 28 seconds (including opening credits)

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Braindead/Dead-Alive Review

Braindead / Dead-Alive:

A.K.A No such thing as 'too much gore'

What happens when you mix gore, zombies, Peter Jackson and more gore? The answer: the new-Zeeland movie from 1992 BrainDead (or 'dead-alive' in northern America for legal reason apparently). This movie is without a doubt the goriest movie ever made, and I’m not even kidding. Don’t believe me? Well go judge for yourself, one thing is certain, it won’t be a waste of your time.

Plot:

The plot resolve around Lionel, a shy young man who lives alone with his mother as only companion. His mother is a bit …well let’s just say she wins the b8tch mother of the year award hands down 0_0 she’s the closest thing that resemble everything anyone ever said about their mothers in their angsty teen years. So Lionel finally meets a woman who is obsessed with him because her Voodoo big mamma told her that Lionel will be her soul mate. Of course, shy boy’s mother isn’t quite happy with the idea that her only son is going away with another woman, so she’ll try anything to stop them. What’s that? How can this be the gore mother lode of a movie I promised? Oh trust me, that’s just the beginning. The mother gets bitten by one the ugliest motherf8ing rat that ever roamed the earth and slowly turns into a zombie, that’s when the movie starts getting good. Instead of just killing her, our hero decide to keep her in his basement, and feed her like he used to when she was alive, but of course more people get infected and his basement becomes one big happy pile-up zombie hotel, all that until they finally escape and the gore meter meets it’s much anticipated climax. There is also a sub-plot throughout the movie with Lionel's uncle being a giant A-hole and how he tries to get Lionel's house to sell it or something trough blackmail.

Like I said, its gore at its finest, if Evil Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Re-animator would have a re-re love child, it still would feel like watching the Teletubbies compared to this masterpiece. I mean, how many movies have you heard of that gave airplanes puke-bags to the guests at the cinemas? But the movie can have its flaws for some who don't like waiting and a slow setting of the story in motion. For a zombie movie, it's pretty slow at the beginning. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does feel like a romantic comedy at first if you ignore the awesome opening scene where a guy gets chopped to bits. The special effects are pretty sweet too, the rat is animated with stop-motion and the zombies looks awesome and you can tell the makers had a sh8tload of fun coming up with new ideas for the zombies. Oh yeah, and here's another thing that rocks about this movie: in most zombie movies, the Romero rules state that to kill a zombie you either destroy the brain or remove the head. Well, those zombies are more like the ones from Return Of The Living Dead but less smarter. In other words, the zombies are pretty much indestructible, if you cut off a arm it still would try to get you, both the arm and rest of the zombie. There is as example one zombie that gets cut in two at the waist, both the legs and the torso go their own way, and later on the guts goes on without the torso and crawls all over the place strangling people, and that's just one of many example showing how creative the writers got with the undead.

So yeah, if you ever get your hands on this movie, grab a few friends, a puke bag and enjoy, you won't regret it. Good story, awesome effects, great comedy, lovable characters and a ton of gore, good one Peter Jackson.

And here are a few things I’ve learned from this movie:

- How to make zombie soup...oh god why???

- Don't f8ck around with priests, because they (quote): Kicke aaars for tha lhooord!

- Zombies can have babies apparently, and they are a b8tch to baby-sit

- lawnmower strapped to your chest = Epic Carnage :D

Personal rating: 8/10

Critical rating: 7/10