Body#19 2007 Review

Body#19

waiter, there's a fetus in my soup...

I've been doing a lot of comedy lately, haven’t I? And although it’s been fun and swell, let’s tear away from this comforting zone to let ourselves be embarked on a terrifying tale.

Actual scary movies are hard to find, believe it or not. And to find one that is both scary and pretty damn good? Yeah…that’s pretty rare.

But here we are, Body#19, released in 2007 by Thai director Paween Purikitpanya. This movie might just be my favorite actual scary horror movie, the first time I saw it, coming across it by accident, I was amazed by the storytelling and twists and turns this masterpiece presented before me. But I’m getting ahead of myself, what’s Body #19, or more commonly known as ‘Body sob 19’ or simply ‘Body’ about?

Chon and his sister, a nurse working at the local hospital, found themselves renting a huge house from an unknown owner. All seems to go well until Chon begins to see questionable things crawling through the house. His sister decides to help him to unearth the mystery behind these strange sightings, but all they find is a name belonging to a woman who used to teach at the hospital. Things go from bad to worse as other people begin to fall prey to this monster that takes the form of a dismembered woman. And telling anything beyond this point would be a waste, because believe me guys, you need to see this movie for yourself.

This movie is incredibly hard to talk about because the plot holds so many mysteries and I really don’t want to spoil the fun for those watching this movie for the first time. You might think you've already got it figured out, the teacher is coming back to take vengeance on all those who wronged her as some sort of curse and Chon just so happens to live in one of the prosecuted future victims house, right? Believe it or not, if you thought something like that, you couldn't be more wrong. This entire movie is a rolled up burrito of mystery and twists till the very last second and you’ll never see them coming.

This movie needs to be seen at least twice to be fully understood, and believe me, the second watch will be a completely new experience. You’ll notice some of the expressions on the characters faces that you at first dismissed as just a little bit off to be a major plot point afterward.

But enough about the magnificent storytelling, how does the movie look? Well, pretty damn amazing, for the most parts. I’ll need to get this out of the way, the ghost/curse/grudge’s face looks…well silly for a lack of better term. Mainly the eyes that seems to be two Ping-Pong balls glued on the actress’s face. But thankfully it’s only visible in a few scenes and only when they use the practical effects, yes believe it or not, the CGI in this movie actually works and looks even better that the practical effects, never thought I’d say that.

But the effects, both practical and computer generated look amazing for such an obscure movie and fit the tone very well.

And is it scary? Well, for once yes, granted it’s not the scariest movie I've ever seen, but it did manage to give me trouble getting some sleep for a few days. That and the overall eerie and confusing tone of the film makes it an experience you won’t forget easily.

Soundtrack wise, there isn't a lot to be said except for one song that is repeated throughout the movie more that I’d cared for, but it does somehow tie in the plot so I’ll make an exception.

Even for its minor flaws, this movie is a must-see for all who can appreciate a good story that’ll keep you guessing and actual scares that work in the movie’s context. I love this movie more and more every time I watch it, and although the first view can be a bit confusing and make the movie seem like a bit of a mess at times, those who will stick with it till the very end will walk out of this movie with a smile on their faces.

Personal rating: 9.8/10

Critical rating: 9/10

Things I've learned from ‘Body#19’:

-Releasing someone from a curse is all about timing.

- Checking under your bed isn't always the safest route.

- Trucks are f8cking crazy.

- they missed a great opportunity in not having one of the museum workers scream “I BE PAKINZ BUTTREFLIES!!”, just saying.

- Also, fetus soup…

[SPECIAL AWARD]

The best scare ever, gets you every time

“Chon…”

Robo-Geisha 2009 Review

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

Killer Pussy review

Killer Pussy

How is this... i don't even...

Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno

Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.

But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.

Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.

One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

First 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.

Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.

It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.

Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?

What can be learned from watching "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck

- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!

- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.

- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”

- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level

Personal rating: 0,5/10
 (AKA so bad it's gold)

Critical rating: 2/10