Zombie Strippers! 2008 Review

Zombie Strippers!

Because there are still people out there wanking to it

Well, time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly necrophiliac propaganding  journey, no other than Freddy himself, goddamit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.

Well, to be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also Jenna Jameson plays in this, here a guilty high five to those who know who she is…

And yes, before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.

In a not too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal. A small group of commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.

And then things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets even weirder.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be classified as toilet humor, but what can I say, it works. On the other end of the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.

But for all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while, and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you the trouble, no, there isn’t.

And it’s a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’ pretentious, but I can’t see the joke, I mean why have the setup by having one character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is born evil, just to never either answer those questions or never have a joke that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is, maybe unwillingly, pretentious.

For a movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations, something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo, and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.

Might want to rethink that lapdance...

But back to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud. The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.

So, final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.

However, I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. However if you don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and scenes than I could mention.

Personal rating:    7/10

Critical rating:    5.5/10

Things I learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:

- Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die

- This future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman’

- I’ll never look at a billiard ball the same way

- Rhino in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card

- Foaming Chewbacca…seriously internet?

- and I though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors 1987 Review

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Freddy vs the supernatural Glee club

Finally the third installment in the series, Dream Warriors, acclaimed as ‘The perfect nightmare on elm street movie’. With a title as that, how can this movie possibly go wrong? Well, why not take a look at this 1987 meet-up of the dream demon Freddy Kreuger and the mighty Nancy dream Rangers…hold on, that’s not right.

A few years after the murders on Elm street, some teens seem to all share the same dream, and of course, parents, always doing what they do best, make things worse by committing them to a psychological asylum. 
And there they are find themselves like fishes in a barrel for our favorite dream murdering maniac, Freddy Kreuger. But it seems that an old friend has decided to make her comeback to finish what she started years ago, Nancy from the first movie. And after noticing one of the patients seems to have the power to control her dreams, she decide to form a team of dream warriors to finally destroy Freddy.
Warriors ranging from D&D wizards to an eighties idea of‘Bad’…ugh.

Sweet god does this one drive off the silly cliff with the quirkymobile. At first it seems to be all right until the whole ‘Dream ability’ thing comes into play, yeah, that’s a thing now. Apparently all the kids have special dream abilities, like one having super strength , the other being able to do backflips, and can someone call the kid who got the superpower to scream real loud like a girl to tell him he’s been screwed over? He can probably join Mati from Captain Planet and Aquaman in the ‘screwed at the superpowers hand-out club’.

But besides the silliness of the second half which let me remind you all, had a freaking wizard, how does the movie hold up? Well, for lack of a better term, it’s amazing.

I’m serious, the effects are incredible and the acting, although hammy at times, is pretty decent. And holy sh8t, is that Morpheus (Lawrance Fishburn)? This just keeps getting better.

The kids are likable for the most parts, and seeing Nancy again was a nice addition, but the real show stealer remains Robert Englund as Freddy Kreuger, who in this movie more than before, really shines. In the previous movie, especially in the second  one, Freddy just seemed like this uncharacteristic evil force, we knew he was evil, but beside that there was very little to add. But in this movie Freddy has much more of a personality (and a pretty, if not very dark, funny one) and we get to know a little of his backstory, and even though it’s contrived and cliché as all hell, it’s at least a step forward. But while on the subject, we learn about Freddy’s birth and the cruel and brutal circumstances of said event, but the movie blames those events for Freddy’s murderous existence as an adult. So instead of focusing on the big question this movie should be asking, is evil something you’re born with or is it something you come to learn trough traumatic events or taught by others, the movie just glances over it and forgets about it like if it was afraid of what it said. Which is something that really pisses me off with nightmare on Elm street 3.

But well, back on track, if you don’t have a problem with the silliness of the second act, this is probably the best movie in the saga so far. I still personally prefer the first one, but this one is a close second. the main antagonist, Freddy is much more refined and funny in a dark and twisted way. The Effects are amazing and a real treat to look at and its characters are varied and deaths are creative and original. Definitely worth a watch for any horror fan.

Personal Rating: 8.2/10

Critical rating: 8/10

Things I’ve learned from Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors:

- How to make it on TV

- "The Freddy Kreuger" is the new drug sensation sweeping the nation after 'The Charlie Sheen'

- Never thought that the idea of Freddy playing with his puppets could be so wicked

- Even in the eighties, “I’m beautiful…and bad” sounds retarded

 

Freddy’s kill count: 20

Best kill in this movie: Killer puppeteer

Best kill so far: Killer pupeteer

The Refrigerator 1991 Review

The Refrigerator

Attack of the kitchen appliances from hell

You know those movies, where the name and the premise is half the fun? Like killer klown from outer space or return of the killer tomatoes?

Yeah, so here’s a movie about a killer fridge from hell, do with that information whatever you want.

Released in 1991, this weird thing I’m unsure to call a movie or a bad joke someone made on a late Saturday night after a whiskey intoxication, is brought to us by Nicholas Jacobs, who unfortunately never really did anything else worthwhile.

A movie about a killer fridge, *sight* seems like just yesterday that I used to review normal movies…wait, I never did review a movie based on any plane of normality, why am I complaining??

Ilene and Michael Bateman (not sure if it’s a reference to the book American Psycho, seen as it was published in the same year this movie came out), a young and ambitious couple decide to buy a place in the less rat infested parts of new York, little do they know that their refrigerator has a minor case of the satanz and goes around munching on unimportant extra’s during it’s free time.

But it seems Michael is getting more and more willing to listen to the little people living in his fridge telling him to kill his wife as the movie goes on, and yes, I wish I could make sh8t like this up as I go along. But thankfully, Ilene gets help from the greatest man alive, Super-plumber Juan, who with his pornstash and epic dancing skills manages to even give Bruce Campbell a run for his money. My god is that man awesome.

So what is there to say about this movie? Besides that it’s about a fridge that goes ballistic that is. Well, I guess you can say it’s about the fear of committing, as Ilene and Michael seem to take each other for granted and their relationship slowly start to break down to the simple factor of mistrust, or you could say it’s about a GODAMN KILLER FRIDGE FROM HELL THAT EATS PEOPLE.

Seriously, do I need to say more? People, there is a motion picture in which a refrigerator eats a man whole by comically opening and shutting it’s door.

I guess I could talk about the needless dialogue or the plot that gets crammed in there too tight like it’s trying to overshadow the killer fridge, like the constant flashbacks from Ilene about her youth that ends up going, guess where? Nowhere at all of course!

I mean we get scenes upon scenes of her childhood trauma that all ends up in a big fat cry and f8ck all else. No character motivation, just the super plumber and his unusual good people skills (I’m serious, I can’t find a single flaw with this guy).

But there are some great scenes, I’ll give this cheap movie that much, there is a scene that just might be the best moment in cinematography of all time. I mean really, how can you even start to top a scene in which a depressed workaholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night with a smile that would put the Cheshire cat to shame just to say: “I am the wafflemaker!”

I tip my hat off to you “The Refrigerator”, you have out random’d me mister, may the blessing of the great space homophobic squirrel lord go with you.
but all joking aside, this movie is silly, really silly. Maybe not in the way that 'Robo-Geisha' is silly in a self-acknowledged way, but more based on the premise, while the movie tries it’s darn hardest to pass a serious story about a troubled falling apart couple that just so happen to have a killer doorway to hell located in their fridge, and also the best plumber I’ve ever seen, seriously, I can’t get over this guy, I think I have a bro-crush.

Death by fridge, now I've seen everything

So should you watch this movie?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you owe it to yourself to see this movie, simply because you’ll then be able to brag to your friends that you've seen everything. But really, it’s kinda slow and a lot of story goes nowhere, but at least you’ll see a guy gets eaten by a fridge, that’s something I guess.

Personal rating: 6.5/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Things I’ve learned from “The refrigerator”:

- I knew living in New York was tough, but damn.

- Good names don’t make good movies

- Plumbers are awesome, bonus points for the mustache

- When little people inside you fridge start telling you how to live your life, it’s time to put down the waffle maker belt and seek some help.

- Can’t wait for “the mixer of doom” or “The little toaster massacre"

[special award] 
Greatest moment in cinema history:
The Wafflemaker

Brainscan 1994 Review

Brainscan

Pre Virtual-Boy of doom

I get the distinctive idea that people in the 90’s saw us gamers as a bunch of psychopaths waiting to snap, then again, here we have “Brainscan”, a flag holder for worried mommies all over the nation blaming anything but their own parental skills for their kids sudden homicidal tendencies.

A movie about a violent video game in the 90’s? my my, this sounds interesting.

Brought to us in 1994, a glorious year for us gorehounds, this little movie tackles the question of how far one is willing to fall to erase the consequences of a remorseless act.

So let’s go back to a time where the SEGA CD was still a ‘thing’ and figure out why video games are apparently the devil incarnated.

Peeping tom extraordinaire sixteen years old Micheal finds time between his voyeurism sessions and chillaxing like a baller with his typical ”far out dude!” bro to try the game everyone is talking about, Brainscan, a game that is played directly with your brain. Unfortunately after having finished the first disc and mission, that involved sneaking into some poor sod’s house and going Norman Bates on his ass, Michael realizes that the game seems to have consequences in the real world, and he finds himself screwed when the police don’t buy his puppy dog eyes alibi. Even worse, a strange entity follows him around calling himself “the trickster” to make his life a living hell and force him to continue playing, acting like Micheal’s conscience forcing him to take care of the witnesses and erase his tracks. All while we witness the poor little Micheal make time to ask the girl next door out and Micheal’s best friend recreate dialogue from ‘Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure’.

As Micheal continues playing and digs his grave deeper and deeper, reality starts to shift as Trickster makes the game more and more difficult and detective Mc-coldface abnormally good intuitions lead him to his murderer.

can't tell if his face says
"Let's play some super smash brawl"
or "Squeal like a little piggy!"

Okay, let’s get this out of the way, I frigging love this movie. Maybe strange seeing as that in my review of “Satan’s little helper” I criticized it for shining such a negative light on gamers. But in this movie the subject is approached in a much more mature angle. Sure Micheal and his friend are obsessed by horror movies simply for the gore and will play any game with blood in it, and above all doesn't even question the idea of playing a game where the main objective is to perform ruthless homicidal acts for the Lulz.

But the real question this movie asks is: how far is someone gonna go if they believe that their acts are without consequence. Which is a really good and interesting subject regarding the human psychology and the sick dark place that lurks in the human creativity.

So do I like the story? Yes, it’s a murder case  with a bit of a supernatural angle and seen from the perspective of the killer. The message is maybe a little too preachy for me, video games are violent and so on, but let’s remember that it was a very difficult time then, and the idea of blaming something new was simpler than looking at the truth. The questions the movie asks are interesting and it’s an entertaining situation to watch our protagonist get out of.

The characters were all right for the most part, the kid that played Micheal did a good job, and the Trickster is damn entertaining to see. He’s the kind of devil you could have a good laugh with and that could kill you the next moment, all while abusing your house with his questionable feeding habits. I’ll admit that the Trickster is probably the main reason why you should watch this movie, a strange sadistic entity that forces you to continue murdering with as leverage the fear of getting caught? What’s not to love?

And off course we are treated to pre-perfection 90’s CGI and some great practical effects.

The CGI is actually pretty interesting, at time it’s your average 90’s lightning effects, but sometime it seems like they add a painted effect to some of the morphing effects on the Trickster, which give a pretty interesting combination of pre CGI and other canvas techniques.

I really recommend this movie, the story’s good and the ending always makes me laugh. For anyone looking for a cheezy 90’s horror/gore movie with a good twist, I promise you won’t be disappointed, if you don’t mind the teenage drama sprinkled here and there.

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Thing I’ve learned from “Brainscan”:

-Damn, so SEGA was evil back in the days, who knew, well, apart from those who know about sonic.EXE I guess.

- Didn’t know the Goblin King and the Leprechaun had a kid, good to know he went into the gaming industry, instead of kidnapping babies or murdering one sixth of  the cast of ‘Friends’.

-Man, I want Micheal’s room. Kid’s got a own electronic butler named Igor. All I got as a kid was a pet lizard I had to catch on my own.

-Who else thinks that “horror movie club” is the best idea for a high school since forcing girls into miniskirts?

Robo-Geisha 2009 Review

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

SexyKiller 2008 Review

SexyKiller

Psychotic crazy chick and zombies, sure, why the hell not?

Imagine watching a police drama, ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ and ‘The Simple Life’ at the same time while reading a Deadpool comic, and all that with a nonstop loop of the song “I’m a Barbie Girl” By Aqua blasting in the background at full volume.

Yup, that’s pretty much the experience of watching ‘Sexy Killer’ in a nutshell.

This little Spanish movie from 2008 was brought to us by Miguel Martí (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who it is).
And damn, why aren’t there more movies like that?

Meet Barbara: a psychotic college airhead that constantly breaks the forth wall by speaking directly into the camera and explain exactly why she is going to murder that one chick for wearing an outfit that she was so gonna maybe buy…ish.

Her life consist of trying out multiple outfits and killing pervs and anyone who annoys her, such as slutty classmates and horny teachers. Unfortunately her less than subtle murders seem to have caught the attention of the police, and two coroners and science students, who have managed to create a machine that can read the mind, even of the early departed. It would be only ironic that one of the two scientist falls in love with our favorite nail-polished sociopath and is mistaken himself by her as a fellow psychopath, with him being unobvious of the whole situation.

Little does Barbara known that the mind reading machine also seems to have some necromantic side effects, and soon, all her previous victims rise from the grave to take revenge and nom on all the brains they come across, and where else to do that but the Halloween fiesta?

What can I say? I loved this movie. Barbara is one of the most entertaining characters I’ve seen in a long time, and her ass kicking skills propels the plot forward at rocket speed, even if sometime the chronology can be confusing. A good chunk of the movie is told by Barbara to a guy she is torturing for running over her poodle ‘Jason’(yes, that’s a reference). She tells him, and thus us as well, how this whole ordeal came to be.

I gotta say, this has to be one of the most colorful dark comedy I’ve seen in a while. Everything to Barbara telling us how to asphyxiate some guy like she was on a cooking program, to a ‘House Of The Dead’ish climax with “The Bird Is The Word” song from family guy playing in the background.

This whole movie reminded me a lot of Suda 51’s ‘Lollypop Chainsaw’, if Julie would be a psychotic b8tch. Colorful and over the top while being self-aware and funny as hell.

There’s also a very “Re-Animator”esk subplot with the love interest and his friend playing around with the possibilities of playing god. The best part is when the love interest accidentally raise the first zombie and is then forced to raise the others in hope he will uncover the identity of their killer, quickly having to explain to his ex-classmates why they are dead. The zombies are very self-consent with what is happening to them and are even able to talk like regular people, for a while…then they just become your everyday rotting corps in search of brains.

The main focus of the first half of this movie is mainly Barbara slaughtering left and right, wondering why Leonardo Dicaprio had to die at the end of ‘Titanic’ while drowning a classmate, and the police trying to uncover the identity of the killer.

The second half is more a epic showdown between Barbara and her revived victims, which opens for more than enough hilarious and kick ass scenes.

The humor overall really reminded me of the likes of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and even “Shaun Of The Dead” at times, I can’t say I’ve seen many Spanish movies, but if the comedy is as good as in “SexyKiller”, I might have to check it out.

The only downsides I can come up with is that since this movie didn’t do great at the box office, I don’t expect a dubbed version anytime soon. Also the effects are pretty sh8t at times, but that only adds to the B-movie glory that is this great movie. And all is forgiven to a movie that refers to ‘Evil Dead’ in its final act. Although I gotta ask, is she called Barbara as an homage to the main character from the original Zombie movie ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or am I just overthinking it?

Definitely recommending this one folks, great time guaranteed.

Things I’ve learned from ‘SexyKiller’:

- Zombies make the best BFF’s

- How to lose weight as a psychopath, for example, biting someone’s ear off burns 120 calories

- Chainsaws aren’t as useful as one would think in a zombie outbreak, I mean, it takes around ten minutes to get it to work, at least according to this movie.

- The amount of B-movies references in this movie is too damn high

[Special Award]

Earliest nude scene: 28 seconds (including opening credits)

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Evil Dead 2 Review

Evil Dead 2

The return of the Chin

Well, it seems I’ve been digging through the garbage lately. Sure, there were exceptions here and there, but I do feel it’s about time we review not only a movie I truly love, but also one of the most acclaimed and celebrated B-movie of all times, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sam Raimi’s opus magnum: Evil Dead 2, Dead by dawn.

Yes, I too used to be a child, and like most children, I didn’t know what made a good movie good and vice versa. My experience was based on what little I’ve heard in the broken down village in the Alps where I lived, where good color TV’s were rare and good movies were even harder to find. Mind you, it was the late nineties back then, and even though there was gold to be found out there, my life was held back by the great technological gap that filled the world I lived in. every once in a while my cousin would tell me of a movie she heard of about a man with claws that came in the dreams of children, and sometime I would see a poster of the new Jaws hanging on the side of a building. My taste in music, movies, and even people came from what was expected of me, of what other people saw as fitting. It was an innocent time perhaps, where we would sit in my aunt’s living room every Friday night and watch a weekly episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, back when it was still airing.

So it was to my delight when my cousin came in laughing and saying “You have to see this” as she held a VHS that looked so amazing my little brain almost exploded. We sat down and watched as she laughed and commented on how bad it was, the poor little thing didn’t know that in my corner, I was completely and utterly ignoring her, gazing in front of me at the screen that was flashing before my eyes. I hadn’t seen anything like it ever, she laughed and joked as my perception changed and I finally developed an opinion. Once it was all over and she finally stopped laughing, I looked at her and said “I liked it”. She tried to reason with me, telling me the effects were pure crap, the acting wasn’t even on par with the play her little brother had done at her school two weeks ago, but I couldn’t care less, I had found something I liked and I didn’t care what anyone had to say. And from that day on, I learned to see the world from a different view, from the view of a man who wasn’t afraid of the monsters under his bed because he had a chainsaw in the one hand, and campy one liners in the other.

There are very few works that have influenced my view on things the way this movie has,

Watchmen,Mozart’s Kyrie Eleison, the second Silent Hill, the work of Francis Bacon, and Sam Raimi’s masterpiece is no different. It came to me when it was most needed and left its mark on me as a reason not to be afraid of who I am and to be proud of my opinion.

You might say that Evil dead 2 gave way to my passion for B-horror movies, but it would be closer to the truth to say it gave way to my passion to films altogether.

But enough stalling, let’s get to reviewing:

Evil dead 2, subtitled Dead by dawn, produced in 1987 as a sequel to the first Evil dead, that by now, had made a reputation for itself in the underworld of the cult classics. Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell knew that they wouldn’t top the eerie atmosphere that they had set up in the first, and that trying to recreate it would only end in another disappointing sequel that would fade from the memories. So they tried something else, one of the most dangerous moves to pull off in any horror movie, focusing on the humor.

At that time it was either do or break, the fans would be in an outrage that the legacy of their first real scare would be turned into a cheap laugh, but they took the dive anyway.

Saying it paid off is one way of saying it, another would be that at first it didn’t, but eventually, the crowd went wild and the movie became the flag carrier for all upcoming B-movies to come, and with psychotic Ash ‘The chin’ as it’s captain, the movie carried on with a fanbase like no other.

It’s rare to find a movie that draws the line so thin between hilarious out of place slapstick comedy and brutal violence and horror. But Evil Dead 2 is one of those few that not only pulls it off, but master it to the point of being an example to all campy B-horrors movies that came after it.

  

The definition of manliness

The confusing thing about the evil dead saga’s storyline, is that Evil dead 2 can either be seen as a sequel, a remake or both. The first seven minutes of the movie recreate the events of the original Evil dead from 1981, but with only Ash and his girlfriend Linda, who becomes possessed and is killed by Ash in a desperate moment. From then on Ash gets attacked by an unseen force and then the movie concludes the events of the original. After that, Ash tries desperately to fend off the demons waiting to nom on his soul, and his own growing insanity and guilt from killing Linda, who doesn’t seem to want to stay dead. This is however quickly solved by a very touching scene, and by touching I mean chainsaw induced madness that literally overflows the screen.

But as Ash slowly loses his fight and his body slowly but certainly becomes possessed, the daughter of the original owner of the cabin waltz in with her boyfriend sized ken doll, a set of bad teeth and tree rape victim #2.

And together they fight off the demons of the night as Ash undergoes a moral metamorphosis from scared everyday best buy employee to sawed off shotgun wielding chainsaw hand first class badass.

Do I need to say more? Why are you still reading this? go watch it, now, and if you already seen it, go watch it again dammit.

This movie is one of the great, the Michelangelo of B-movies, the Darwin of its time, misunderstood by most, but only because they didn’t understand what stood before them.

On the technical side, it was made on the budget of a wheel of cheese and two cents. So of course you can see the cable holding Sam Raimi’s brother hanging in the air dressed as an old demonic granny. And you can see most of the crew running in the background, and you know they rewinded the footage of the fog coming out of the ground, and that the make up on demonic Ash is as believable as your uncle pretending to be Santa, and asking you to sit on his lap, when you’re 21…

Yes, yes I know it’s not top notch but dammit, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The cabin isn’t just a set, it’s a place where legends were born, and the one liners will be used in distant civilization as words of prophets when they uncover our broken cities, bombed to hell by our own stupidity and frustration that we probably never will recreate the feeling we feel deep inside our hearths when watching Evil Dead 2.

Go watch this movie.

Personal Rating: 9.9/10

Critical Rating: 8/10

What I’ve learned from Evil Dead 2:

- Pretty much everything I know

- How to man up to my fears

- How losing a hand isn’t always a bad thing

- The meaning of “When the wall will start bleeding”

- Bruce Campbell is made for 70 percent testosterones, the other 30 percent are pure, raw and unlimited badass

Cannibal! the musical review

Cannibal! The musical

Because why the F*&^not?

How to turn a real life tragedy in a goofy comedy movie from 1993? Have the crew of South Park do it of course, and while we at it, let’s turn it into a musical, because f*^& you moral sense, you can’t tell us what to do!

Yes, this little masterpiece really exist, and yes, it’s also based on a true, gruesome story, and yes, I should be offended, but somehow, I’m ok with this, it’s not like they had a rapping dog in it at least (I’m looking at you Titanic)

So what is this movie really about and why do I believe it’s pure genius?

Well, let’s see, the story tell the quest of six miners in the 1890 something, in search for Colorado.

Unfortunately for them, their guide is more pre-occupied with his strange and possible illegal relation with his horse rather than their destination or their safety. Along the way they sing, do a ballet rehearsal and meet Japanese 4e-wall-breaking Indians and other randomness.

But after a while, the food runs out and they are left with very little options, they have to resort to cannibalism, and yes, it’s all done in songs that will make you go “is that Mr Garrison or Cartman??”

Yes, if you couldn’t tell already, I really enjoyed this movie. The humor and style really reminded me the likes of “Dracula, dead and loving it”, you know, in a time where the market for comedy wasn’t owned by Adam Sandler and failed attempts to recreate the first Scary Movie.

This movie had me laughing from the very first scene, where the cannibal runs around biting people, ripping arms off and beating others over the head with it, at least you can’t blame it for not being straightforward. There where large chunks where nothing really happened but there was always an hilarious scene around the corner. The humor, both dialogue and physical where spot on, exactly what to expect from the South Park team.

My advice? Give it a watch. Its definitely a classic and a must-watch for all the South Park fans out there. All I’m hoping for now is “South Park does a Hindenburg chrismas”, and extra points everywhere if they make it a goddamn musical.

Personal rating: 8,5

Critical rating: 7

What I've learned from Cannibal! the musical:

- I’m never going to Wyoming.

- Nobody wants butt meat

- No musical should go without an epic cowbell solo

- This movie would makes for a great drinking game, called: Spot the alien

Satan's Little Helper review

Satan's Little Helper

how a deranged kid and his demonic BFF destroyed a town 
and my obsession with Katheryne Winnick began

You know that one movie you bought because the cover looks just awesome, and when you watch it turns out to be a bad acted b-movie with a cheap story? Yeah, me too, love every second of it.

Satan's little helper is just that, it ain’t too old, it's gory, it's funny, what can I say? It’s an awesome and interesting B-movie. Directed by Jeff Lieberman (yeah, never heard of him either) in 2004,  this movie is the perfect Halloween themed entertainment for pretty much anyone,  giving they don't have the sense of humor of a brick (apologies to Kirsten Steward).

The story of this movie is pretty interesting for a horror flick, well, to be honest a good story is pretty much the only thing this movie has going for, ok, except for another thing but we'll get to the medieval hotty hotness later. The main character of this story is Dougie, a kid who is obsessed with the game 'Satan’s little helper', a crappy flash game that the creators of the movie spend maybe less than five minutes animating with f8ing office paint. Anyway, the main idea of the game is to help Satan kill as many people as possible,  yeah, that sounds...healthy. whatever happened to the good old days when games were about saving a princess from a mutated turtle or getting it on with a hooker in your stolen car, killing her with your bare fists take back your money and buy a flamethrower to burn the innocents to ashes until you had six stars and they had to bring the f8cking army to stop you...yeah I know, I have issues.

Anyway, Dougie's sister, Jenna AKA miss mc-hotty comes back from college to spend Halloween with her little brother and brings along her boyfriend Alex, and since Dougie's pretty possessive of his sister he gets pretty pissed off and runs off to 'find Satan'. He does not find Satan unfortunately but he does find a psychopath dressed as Satan who places the bodies of his victims as Halloween decoration. Dougie begs if he can be his little helper, thinking the guy is actually the Satan from his game. They both then go on an epic quest to murder the whole f8ing town, and they do a pretty good job at it actually. It is only when Dougie realize it all is real and that it's not a joke that he starts to panic (and seriously, how could he have thought it was a joke? Satan literally stabbed a dude in front of him, that's gotta be the best prank ever. Bite your heart out Ashton Kutcher).

So little Dougie runs off home and try to stop his deranged psychopath BFF from killing his family and what is left of the town.

Katheryn Winnick playing Dougie's sister, Jena.

It’s one of those movies where they had a pretty good concept but also unfortunately the everlasting curse of the poor budget. After ten minutes in the movie I seriously started to wonder whether I would watch it or turn it off lying to myself I did my best. But after a while it got better, well not the acting, that was still horrible, really, really horrible. But later on in the movie I found myself enjoying this movie, quite a lot actually. Ok maybe the fact that Dougie’s sister Jenna decided to wear a skin thigh corset that really that really showed her (Ehm) acting skills throughout the rest of the movie really helped me loving the hell out of this, but still.

The problem i do have with this movie however, is the kid who plays Dougie. My god, I mean really...I've seen some bad actors in my days, I've also seen child actors, and believe me when I say that this kid is one of the worse I’ve ever seen.  Not one emotion is rightly timed or believable. Everything that comes out of the kid’s mouth makes you want to shove a pair of scissors in your ears. I guess a lot can be blamed on the writers, some of the lines are just plain stupid, but the kids inability to act beyond the level of ‘third grade play’ makes this movie pretty hard to watch at times. And someone tell him he is allowed to close his mouth

between lines, I honestly believe that he is incapable to breathe through his nose, either that or the kid’s retarded and I’m going to hell for making fun of his handicap. But either way, I don’t think I’ve seen him with his mouth close for a single frame in this movie, dammit kid, you ain’t trying to catch flies, close that thing every once in a while.

There are some parts of this movie that are so out of place that it instantly makes it hilarious for all the wrong reasons, the biggest example is probably the ‘friendship’ between the kid and Satan,  if you would edit it a bit you could change this into a kid’s friendly movie about a boy and his best friend Satan shopping, walking through the park, playing in parking lots with shopping carts, all it needs is a bit of music really XD.

The biggest problem I have with this movie apart from the horrible acting and the poor budget is the big message they try to send, “Videogames are bad and make people accept violence! Praise the lord Jesus Christ and not Satan and all that bulls8t”, yeah, because before videogames there were absolutely no psycho’s, tell that to Ed Gain, someone who probably hasn’t seen a TV in his whole life, but I’m getting off topic here.

The whole movie everybody seems to be obsessed with this game, Dougie’s mother is having a blast, Jenna’s boy-toy is trying to beat the high score, and even some potheads outside find the game and play it like Paris Hilton at a coke party. Let me just say that apparently Jeff Lieberman is not a gamer, and knows nothing of that subject.  And I know I go on about this detail a bit too much but it was something that bothered me throughout the whole movie really, propaganding us proud gamers like a bunch of slow sadistic rejects of society, now if you don’t mind I got to wrap this review up, two more hookers and I get an achievement, whohoo, flamethrower.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Satan’s little helper’:

- Satan’s a pretty cool guy, until you tell him he can’t rape your sister of course

- Drinking beer at a party? Try bleach, now that’s my kind of party.

- The police’s IQ in a horror movie has never been so low

- Everybody in this town is retarded, I’m not joking

- Who needs acting skills when you’ve got a cleavage? :D

Personal rating: 7/10

Critical rating: 5/10

Killer Pussy review

Killer Pussy

How is this... i don't even...

Why Japan, why??

Well, some things just can’t be avoided. Like saying we’ll quickly check our email and we end up hours after hours looking at cat videos on YouTube, or having a blog about cheap cult classics and not end up in this certain part of questionable entertainment, so  we all knew this day would come, the day when I decide to review a porno

Although saying watching ‘Killer Pussy’ is like watching porn is like saying that watching ‘The Room’ is watching drama. If anyone actually finds this remotely arousing  then I will seriously start to question human kind as a species. Watching Japanese chicks trying to turn us on in a porno is like watching a guy with no limbs trying to get back in his wheelchair, it’s pretty funny at first, and then it just becomes painful and awkward to sit through.

But I’m exaggerating when I use that the term ‘porn’. To be fair, there’s more porn in your everyday Slasher than in this little confused horror/comedy from 2004, but since it’s from Japan, you know things are gonna get weird.

Ok, not sure if this movie even got a plot, but I’ll try to make some sort of sense of it.

Five friends go for some unknown reason in the woods when their car breaks down, and find refuge in an abandoned bunker or something.  So our “heroes”,  and since I can’t be bothered to learn their names I’ll just call them Moe desu chick, busty, whimpy, creeper and third wheel, decide to do some exploring but quickly decide to abandon that plan once the find the liquor cabinet.

One of those dumbasses strays away from the group however and gets attacked (and since it’s Japan you know that means rape) by a lesbian milf who was frozen in quarantine because she is carrying a deadly and hilarious parasite in her cooch. Before you can say ‘tentacle’ the parasite finds a new home and goes on a rampage on the group of now drunk and horny friends with its new c8ckhungry host.

First 25 minutes are boring soft-core failing  attempt to get a reaction in our pants, but then sh8t gets real as the castration and the mayhem starts, gotta love the “chomp” sound effect when a d8ck gets bitten off by the killer vagina.

Yeah, told you it would get weird. But the weirdest thing about this movie is just how ridiculously incredible it is. It’s so hard to look away with all this random sh8t that gets thrown your way. I can’t believe I have to say it, but I would recommend checking it out, only for the lols and giggles.

It’s so rare that a thing appears that is so bad in every way possible, that it has to be seen to be believed. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing my a88 off during this entire movie. The acting, the story, the effects, the editing, the props, everything is just so hypnotizingly bad that it’s a masterpiece in its own rights. It’s just amazing that we live in a world where you can find a movie about a woman with teeth in her privates and goes around hunting for d8cks.

Japan, you baffle me once again, but sincerely from the rest of the world, please lay off the acid for a while, okay?

What can be learned from watching "Killer pussy":

- Japan is weird as f8ck

- All of your problems can be solved with a lesbian mud fight, although why is the mud so red…OH GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN...???!!

- Even the actors knew this porno was sh8t, they rather fap to random porn magazine they  found in an abandon building.

- Ok, I can’t believe I have to say this but no movie, no matter what the subject is, should have a scene shot from the point of view of a woman’s cooch, ok? Cinematography 101 people, no one want’s that, there aren’t people who wake up in the morning and say: ”gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a vagina”

- How to take tea bagging to a whole new level

Personal rating: 0,5/10
 (AKA so bad it's gold)

Critical rating: 2/10

Braindead/Dead-Alive Review

Braindead / Dead-Alive:

A.K.A No such thing as 'too much gore'

What happens when you mix gore, zombies, Peter Jackson and more gore? The answer: the new-Zeeland movie from 1992 BrainDead (or 'dead-alive' in northern America for legal reason apparently). This movie is without a doubt the goriest movie ever made, and I’m not even kidding. Don’t believe me? Well go judge for yourself, one thing is certain, it won’t be a waste of your time.

Plot:

The plot resolve around Lionel, a shy young man who lives alone with his mother as only companion. His mother is a bit …well let’s just say she wins the b8tch mother of the year award hands down 0_0 she’s the closest thing that resemble everything anyone ever said about their mothers in their angsty teen years. So Lionel finally meets a woman who is obsessed with him because her Voodoo big mamma told her that Lionel will be her soul mate. Of course, shy boy’s mother isn’t quite happy with the idea that her only son is going away with another woman, so she’ll try anything to stop them. What’s that? How can this be the gore mother lode of a movie I promised? Oh trust me, that’s just the beginning. The mother gets bitten by one the ugliest motherf8ing rat that ever roamed the earth and slowly turns into a zombie, that’s when the movie starts getting good. Instead of just killing her, our hero decide to keep her in his basement, and feed her like he used to when she was alive, but of course more people get infected and his basement becomes one big happy pile-up zombie hotel, all that until they finally escape and the gore meter meets it’s much anticipated climax. There is also a sub-plot throughout the movie with Lionel's uncle being a giant A-hole and how he tries to get Lionel's house to sell it or something trough blackmail.

Like I said, its gore at its finest, if Evil Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Re-animator would have a re-re love child, it still would feel like watching the Teletubbies compared to this masterpiece. I mean, how many movies have you heard of that gave airplanes puke-bags to the guests at the cinemas? But the movie can have its flaws for some who don't like waiting and a slow setting of the story in motion. For a zombie movie, it's pretty slow at the beginning. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it does feel like a romantic comedy at first if you ignore the awesome opening scene where a guy gets chopped to bits. The special effects are pretty sweet too, the rat is animated with stop-motion and the zombies looks awesome and you can tell the makers had a sh8tload of fun coming up with new ideas for the zombies. Oh yeah, and here's another thing that rocks about this movie: in most zombie movies, the Romero rules state that to kill a zombie you either destroy the brain or remove the head. Well, those zombies are more like the ones from Return Of The Living Dead but less smarter. In other words, the zombies are pretty much indestructible, if you cut off a arm it still would try to get you, both the arm and rest of the zombie. There is as example one zombie that gets cut in two at the waist, both the legs and the torso go their own way, and later on the guts goes on without the torso and crawls all over the place strangling people, and that's just one of many example showing how creative the writers got with the undead.

So yeah, if you ever get your hands on this movie, grab a few friends, a puke bag and enjoy, you won't regret it. Good story, awesome effects, great comedy, lovable characters and a ton of gore, good one Peter Jackson.

And here are a few things I’ve learned from this movie:

- How to make zombie soup...oh god why???

- Don't f8ck around with priests, because they (quote): Kicke aaars for tha lhooord!

- Zombies can have babies apparently, and they are a b8tch to baby-sit

- lawnmower strapped to your chest = Epic Carnage :D

Personal rating: 8/10

Critical rating: 7/10