Zombie
Strippers!
Because
there are still people out there wanking to it
Well,
time to take a break from nightmares on Elm street and take a look
at...stipping zombies. But all is well, I have enough scotch to clear my memory
after this and we have a familiar face to lead us through this slightly
necrophiliac propaganding journey, no other
than Freddy himself, goddamit Robert Englund, of all the undead joint in all the grindhouse in all the world, he walks into mine.
Well, to
be honest, the fact that Robert Englund plays in this movie is one of the two
big reasons I picked up this little flick made in 2008, the other would be the
name, because honestly, how could I pass on a movie about zombie strippers? Also
Jenna Jameson plays in this, here a guilty high five to those who know who she is…
And yes,
before you even ask, this movie is exactly what you think it is.
In a not
too distant future, one where stripping has become illegal. A small group of
commando is send out to take care of a laboratory spill that caused the
personnel to become brain-hungry zombies. Of course things get out of hand and
one of the zombies finds itself in an illegal strip club owned by Freddy Kruger
and bites the hell out of one of the strippers.
And then
things get weird, I’m not sure how things will go down in the future, but I’m
pretty sure necrophilia will still not be the norm, so why in the name of all
that is holy, the crowd goes wild when the returned stripper dangles her
rotting flesh all over the dance floor , is beyond me. But Freddy sees an
opportunity in this and all goes to hell beyond that point. And yes, it gets
even weirder.
Ok,
let’s get this out of the way, this movie is funny as hell. Sure it can be
classified as toilet humor, but what can I say, it works. On the other end of
the spectrum however, when did people start to find dancing corpses hot? I mean
all right, I wouldn’t be one to kick Jenna Jameson out of bed, but she’s not so
hot that I’d pay to see her rotting pieces splatter all over the dance floor.
But for
all the fun this movie is in its juvenile humor, I do get the idea that this
movie tries to be much deeper than it actually is, or at least that would be
the case if I knew anyone’s reasons to do anything in this movie. They try to
tackle multiple questions on the duality of men here and there, but it falls
flat when you realize they are just quoting Nietzsche every once in a while,
and like a joke without a punchline, this just goes on and on until the end of
the movie making you wonder if there was a point to all this, and to save you
the trouble, no, there isn’t.
And it’s
a shame, because I really don’t want to call a movie named ‘Zombie Strippers’
pretentious, but I can’t see the joke, I mean why have the setup by having one
character ask questions about the prosecution of weaker woman in this industry
by pressurizing them with impossible standards, eventually wondering if men is
born evil, just to never either answer those questions or never have a joke
that works. So yes, and I hate to be the one to say it, but Zombie Stripper is,
maybe unwillingly, pretentious.
For a
movie that hopelessly tries to show us the evil of standards and expectations,
something you’d expect would interest more woman than men (not being sexist
here, just saying) this movie is 75% striptease, something that, more often
than not, does not interest the female demographic. So why have all that talk
about the pressurizing of woman in the industry? For f8ck squabble diddle doo,
and that’s why this movie falls horribly flat in that regard.
 |
| Might want to rethink that lapdance... |
But back
to the point, the effects are unfortunately really poor, and I mean both they
look cheap and they are uninteresting. More often than not computer generated
blood spatter and wounds that would make the later ‘Violent shit’ movies proud.
The small amount of practical effects are slightly better and the props and
sets do their jobs nicely. The acting isn't even worth mentioning, seeing as
the lead previous acting jobs were such unforgettable classics such as ‘Buttman
at Nudes a Poppin' 7’ and ‘Breast Obsessed 3’. Robert Englund, and no matter
how much I like him as an actor, didn’t bring his A-game either, he often
seemed like he was lost on the set or really waiting for his paycheck, but even
then, he did get a few chuckles out of me here and there.
So,
final verdict? This movie is a blast, it’s perhaps poorly acted and has more
strip scenes than gay undertones in Brokeback Mountain, but it’s funny as hell
and will have you laughing all the way with its ridiculous plot.
However,
I am speaking as a proud dong-owner here, and I feel that some of the ladies probably
won’t be able to sit through so much of Jenna’s exposed…uhum…acting. And thus
would find the movie pretty lacking and/or hard to sit through. However if you
don’t mind, the humor is still side-aching and it has more memorable quotes and
scenes than I could mention.
Personal rating: 7/10
Critical
rating: 5.5/10
Things I
learned from ‘Zombie Strippers!’:
-
Nietzsche does indeed make more sense after you die
- This
future might be a bit short of stupid, but at least it’s not ‘Teenage Caveman’
- I’ll
never look at a billiard ball the same way
- Rhino
in a thong might be the worst logo for anything since the RE6 title card
- Foaming
Chewbacca…seriously internet?
- and I
though the teabag from killer pussy was bad…
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