Top 10 Favorite Movie (10/6)

Well, here’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.

As a self-proclaimed movie critic, it is only natural to ask what I believe are good movies. In my case, movies I like and movies I think are good are two completely different things, for example, is Birdemic a bad movie? Oh god beyond yes. Do I like it? Oh sweet mamma yes. Point made.

Then again there are also some movies that are considered masterpieces that I think are utter and complete waste of space, for example Moulin Rouge, according to most an Avant Guard masterpiece of the modern age that shone a light in the French underbelly trough Broadway musicals, my opinion? I’m still trying to get the severed heads of all the people that cooperated to create this abomination to put them on spikes in front of my house as a warning the next a88hat that wants to shoot the next “Great Gatsby”

Anyway where was I? oh yeah, top ten favorite movies, not the best ones, but my personal favorite, the kind of movie you could lock me up with in a basement for 40 days and enough food and water and I’d be all right. And before anything, and I know it’s a shock, but I haven’t seen all the movies ever created, so there’s a good chance your personal favorite isn’t in there.

So let’s begin my personal, chaotic and confused top 10 favorite movies of all time:

#10:

THE WAR OF THE ROSES

  

Here’s the story of what happens when everything goes wrong and how much you can hate someone you love.

Directed by Danny Devitto, this movie has one of my personal favorite subject ever put on film, the slow decent into madness. The idea that we constantly pushes our notion of right or wrong by giving in to the gray areas is simply amazing. How far we are willing to go sometimes can be as scary as fascinating. This dark comedy tells the story of the Roses, a supposedly perfect American family with a working husband and a wife who takes care of the children, all living in a beautiful house. On the surface, everything seems fine, but it slowly comes crumbling down around them as they start to hate and despise each other, at first like any argument between married couple, but as the movie goes on the hatred grows and the two start to go completely of the chart. Eventually going as far as turning the entire house in a battlefield, quite literally actually, going as far as trying to kill each other using almost comedic manners. The slow buildup of the relationship and the final result almost comes naturally, thanks to Devitto’s great storytelling. It doesn’t come as a surprise that the movie end in tragedy, thinking twice about it, the whole thing was a tragedy from the start, and a great one at that.

#9

DR STRANGELOVE 

(or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb) 

Another dark comedy, starting to see a pattern here guys?

Although somewhat outdated according to some, this movie is in my opinion the greatest comedy of all times, why? Simply because the subject is none other than our own destruction.

Based in the cold war, an insane and paranoid colonel commands a squadron to bomb Russian ground with nuclear force. All that without the consent of the president, and with no way to communicate with the planes, the American government  is forced to stop them at all cost to prevent a nuclear Armageddon, even going as far as calling the Russians to warn them and to apologies. But wait, it gets even worse as the Russians admit to have a doomsday weapon capable to destroy all life on earth if Russia is under attack, and to top it all, the machine is commanded by a computer, meaning the Russians are unable to access it.

This movie is purely genius, the greatest comedy of all time, reflecting the hopelessness of the politicians and the Russian to change their fates, cleverly a reflection of the civilians of both countries during the cold war, also unable to reason with their own government in hope to stop them from destroying the world.

The humor is simply timeless and never fail to amuse, especially on such a dark subject as our own demise.

#8

PITCH BLACK/CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK

I’m allowed to dumb fun every once in a while, right? Ah whatever, I’m doing it anyway. Here’s Pitch Black and Riddick.

Here we come to what I said earlier when I said those movies don’t need to be perfect to be on this list. One of my favorite characters from all time, Riddick B Richard is an unstoppable killing machine with an attitude and a hearth of gold…ish…really rusty gold, am I still allowed to say bronze?

In the futuristic year of who-gives-a-f8ck, Riddick, experienced murderer and escapee of Butcher Bay, the universe’s toughest prison, find himself over the course of two whole movies chased by bounty hunters, Vampire aliens, weird roman symbolism with Nazi influents and other amazing and crazy foes. What really makes this movie is probably Riddick himself, and all his moral dilemmas and never ending dream to be left alone. Although Riddick can really make his namesake proud at some times, he is strangely reliable and easy to emphasize with, in a weird way that you wish you were as badass as him, what, just me?

Anyway, Riddick is enough of a badass to propel these movies to the number eight in my list. No further innuendos, symbolism or any of that sweet mumbo jumbo, just pure and raw manliness and testosterones all around.

#7

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

Have I ever said Quentin Tarantino is a genius? No? well I should do it more often, Quentin Tarantino is a genius. What sets him apart from any other directors, besides his often eccentric subject and overall bat-sh8t-craziness, is mainly his ability to write good dialogue, you know, that thing that most other directors use as a shameless way to get expositions out of the way.

And of course most of his movies are heavily dialogue based, I mean, you’re not gonna let Picasso run for derby champion, your just gonna let him do what he does best, painting, or in Tarantino’s case, write amazing dialogue that I could listen to for hours upon hours.

Anyway, back on topic, From Dusk Till Dawn is a joined effort between the two friends, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, that tells the story of two brothers on the run from the law, the one being a classy bank robber and the other a psychopathic nuttjob with very selective hearing. They kidnap a family to get across the Mexican border, where they find themselves trapped in a vampire infested bar called the TittyTwister.

Amazing dialogue, troubled and complicated multi-layered characters, campy practical effects and brutal bloodthirsty monsters that don’t sparkle? And above all, Tom Saviny rocking a d8ck pistol?

Did Christmas come early or what?

#6

OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?

You know who else knows how to make good movies? The godd8mn Coen Brothers.

This movie has it all, a retelling of one of my favorite story in modern (ish) age.

Three harmless dumb inmates escape their prison and embark on a mission to find gold, all that in the setting of the harsh world that was the state of Mississippi in the 30’s. like many say, it’s the journey that makes a good story, not the treasure, and damn if this isn’t one of the most amazing journeys ever made on screen. Along the way our three doofusses meet a rich cast of characters and end up more than once in unexplainable situations.

The atmosphere that the movie bring to the table is rich and simply amazing, accompanied with 30’s blues and country songs this amazing comedy is more that deserving of the sixth place of my list

Before moving to the final five, I guess it’s time for some honorable mentions:

#11: American Beauty

#12: Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

#13: American Psycho

#14: Bride of Frankenstein

#15: The Big Lebowsky

Check in next post for the Final 5

Re-Animator 1985 Review

Re-Animator

Lovecraftian shenanigans and other kinds of fun.

If you’re searching for good B-horror movie, the name ‘Re-Animator’ is certain to pop up, sure it ain’t as popular as ‘Evil Dead’ and not as gory as ‘Braindead/Dead-Alive’, but it respectably  stands proud on the top as a B movie you shouldn’t miss.

Directed in 1985, Re-Animator is an adaptation of from the novel of the same name by H.P Lovecraft.

For those who don’t know , I’m a huge Lovecraft fan, and I mean huge (just between us, I welcome our fishy overlords). The mythology, the dark symbolism, the perfect and rich writing, what’s not to love?

Just for those who don’t know, here’s a quick recap:

H.P Lovecraft was a writer in the earl 1900 who made a mediocre  living by writing scary stories for a newspaper. Unfortunately, like most geniuses, he wasn’t recognized for his talent until after his death. He was often called the Edgar Allan Poe of his time, his stories were often based on ancient deities that once ruled the earth that sometime came back to take their old kingdom which often ends in madness and chaos, with more than often it’s fair share of undead monstrosities and other nightmare fuel for weeks.

But is this movie faithful to the tale of Herbert West, the man who cheated death? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Herbert West, a talented and maybe a little eccentric neurologist scientist is just transferred to the University of Arkham (for all you Batman fans out there, that’s where the name came from) from Zurich, under questionable circumstances. He unfortunately drives his roommate Dan with him in his crazy theories that involves the resurrection of dead tissue. Dan, not being a complete idiot right off the bat decides to tell West to go to hell, but after some blackmail and an unfortunate instance involving a zombie Mr Whiskers, Dan finds himself helping West acquiring cadavers for his experiments.

West succeed to cheat death and with ideas of grandeur decides to test his serum further and in even more immoral ways, unfortunately, his plans are thwarted as a teacher catches wind of his little rehearsal of the Night Of The Living Dead and decides to put his plans to be a creepy horny old stalker toward Dan’s girlfriend on hold to stroll in the scene to steal the credit. This should be quickly solved seen as that West can create an army of hungry undead to eat the teacher’s wrinkly old behind, but things get complicated when the teacher turns out to have hypnotic powers…wait what now?

Wouldn't be a real Lovecraft tale without
some Cthulhu symbolisme, would it now?

Ok, that’s where the movie kinda lost me, hypnotism? I guess it makes the idea sort of interesting, but I personally prefer the route the book took by making West face his own creations and letting his ambitions be his undoing, instead of a pissed off perv with magic powers.

But first, before comparing it to the novel, how does this movie hold on its own? Well, it’s good, great even. The practical effects have that good old 80s campy feel and the characters and their motives are well portrayed, the only problem I have with it it’s that it’s pretty slow, the first half is purely to show how much of a psycho West is and how he manipulates people, and only near the end do the zombies really kick in the door at the plot’s house to ask for their screentime, which is a shame really, but well, that’s to be expected from a movie that was adapted from a novel.

The dialogue isn’t anything special, it’s not bad but it’s probably noting you’ll remember, exept for West screaming “Overdose!” while finishing off a zombie Mortal Kombat style.

But how does this movie hold up in comparison with the novel? Mhe

I guess it follows the overall story okay, a few changes here and there, mainly due to the fact that it was set in the eighties instead of the early 1900, so acquiring a corpse was as easy as walking through a door (I’m not kidding, they have like, zero security at the Arkham university’s morgue), instead of unearthing the dead at the local cemetery  causing the suspicion of the townsfolk like in the novel.

The consequences are also very light in comparison with the novel, in the movie, the worse that happens in the first act is that the cops are slightly questioning West’s motives while holding one of his zombies captive, slowly leading to the attention of the teacher, while in the book one of its creature, a dead boxer beaten to death in a match, escapes and goes on a murderous rampage, before disappearing, and West becomes completely paranoid till the end of his days, increasing his madness that slowly got worse after doing the horrible deeds he did in the name of science.

But the biggest difference between the novel and the adaptation has to be none other than Herbert West himself. In the book, he was described as a quiet and charismatic young man highly talented in science, but still with a slight touch of a sinister plot crawling in the back of his head, he only really began to lose his mind after he tried multiple times to resurrect the dead, and by the end, he was but a mere shell of his former self and was a paranoid self-loathing man who welcomed the sweet embrace of death by its own creations.

The Herbert West of the movie? A complete and utter scumbag who parasites off everyone to achieve his goals. He is as mad as a kite at some points and even supposedly killed his roommate’s cat to experiment on it. He blackmails, lies and walks on everyone through the movie without caring for anything other than his experiments.

Do I think it’s a good thing they changed the iconic Re-animator from the book? Surprisingly, I do. I liked the Herbert West from the novel, but this one is definitely more at home in the movie, more dramatical and sometimes straight up scary. You never know how far he is willing to go to accomplish his goals, or you’re afraid of knowing exactly how far he’ll go. The actor pulls off the smug face and the insanity perfectly, along with all his other little mannerisms to really flesh out this character.

My opinion? Good movie, kinda slow but rewarding, give it a watch if you haven’t already, and while you’re at it, definitely check out “Herbert West-reanimator” by Lovecraft, not his best story but still a really good one.

Lovecrafian fanboyism
Don't leave home without it

What I’ve learned from "Re-animator":

- Instead of slapping someone in the face with a glove the students of Arkham have found another way to challenge each other, constantly breaking off pencils in front of your rival in comedic fashion until he snaps and question your neurological knowledge.

- Talking without a windpipe? Sure, no problem, hell, you don’t even need lungs according to this movie, but since this was also in the book, I guess I have no right to b8tch about it

- Actually, a whole lot about neurology

- Well, never thought they’d top it, but yup, there is a worse rape scene in this movie than the infamous Evil Dead tree rape, this one has a decapitated head 0-0

Personal rating: 7.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Robo-Geisha 2009 Review

Robo-Geisha

Suck it 90’s ‘Tank Girl’, this is the real thing.

Well, about time I review another movie from my favorite country: Japan.  And yes, this movie is weird…Really ass-bugging-Stomp-on-the-face-and-drives-of-a-cliffs-only-to-pop-up-in-front-of-your-window-at-3-am-whispering-something-about-killer-turtles-while-you-only-wanted-a-glass-of-water weird.

Are you afraid? Well, you better be, cause here’s Robo-Geisha

Released in 2009 by Noboru Igushi , this proves my point that japan isn’t just crazy, it’s a new kind of crazy bred in a lab somewhere only to escape in nothing but a yellow mankini and slap people in the face with a dead fish.

Ever wondered what would happen if you mixed ‘The Terminator’ with ‘Memoirs Of A Geisha’ and ‘Godzilla’ and a whole lot of meth? Well, here’s your answer:

An ultra-violent weird and insane trip filled with out of place humor and nonsensical fight scenes between geisha’s and robots, ninja’s, giant robot castles and a nurse…for some reason.

What is this movie really about? Well, these kind of movies often don’t really have much of a story, the humor and value are based more on how much they can get away with. But with Robo-Geisha, there is surprisingly more story than needed. It tells the tale of two sisters, the elder being a geisha and the younger being pretty much Cinderella with major anger issues. Let’s just say they don’t get along, and it doesn’t help that this perfect young guy with a major bank account is more interested in the younger sister, Yoshi (yeah, I know, just roll with it). They both get invited to his company where we learned that he is an evil villain who wants to take over the world with his father and do evil stuff like stomping on puppies and laughing at sick kids and all that evil business.

Thus the two sisters are recruited to his army of cyborg Geisha assassins. And instead of saying:

 “eh, I know you’re pretty much Cruella from the 101 Dalmatian with slightly better hair and a penis and stuff, and I can roll with that, but I’m probably gonna go now because of the serious case of ‘dying’ that everyone in your company has been getting lately”, the two sisters decide to turn the whole thing into a competition, killing as many as possible, getting better upgrades and taking the physical abuse like a boss to eventually become ‘The Very Best’.

Well, the movie decides that this plot is getting old somewhere halfway through and Yoshi gets betrayed by the Asian Ken doll and his company and left for dead at the side of the road. But of course, an older Winry from FMA just happens to pass by and gives her sweet upgrades. Thus Yoshi, now armed with the lower body of a tank and enough fire power to blow up the whole country, decides to open a can of whoop ass of biblical scale on the bad guy’s HQ, which has now become a giant Godzilla robot and who is destroying random building…which are bleeding when destroyed, yeah, I don’t even…

You thought i was kiding, didn't ya?

This movie is simply amazing, not because it’s good or anything, but because it’s so bad, but on purpose , which makes it ok, right?

But all kidding aside, I loved this movie. Never did I find myself bored or not laughing, it managed to hit every single note perfectly, even if hitting said note perfectly required to have some of the worse effects I’ve seen in a while, which in my case only entertained me more.

The intention was to make a movie so ridiculous as possible and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I can compare it to would be “Panty and Stocking with Gartenbelt”, the humor, pacing and ridiculousness is similar, but Robo-geisha takes it one step further in the ‘weird’ direction. Surprisingly, the story telling is also shockingly similar, teasing us with serious moments and drama, only to slap us in the face with an over the top nonsensical fight scene out of left field, as if the show and the movies were telling us: “yeah, we can to so much better than this, we could actually have a story, but f*ck that noise! Here’s a chick with tank wheels driving on the side of a building while playing a shamisen shooting lasers at a giant walking castle destroying the city”, and it works perfectly.

I spoke of the effects earlier, I think I didn’t do it justice when I said it was some of the worse I’ve seen in a while, cheap CGI bullets and blood that flies everywhere across the screen without rhyme or reason, pretty similar to the “Violent Shit” movies (in case you don’t know any of them, trust me when I say it’s pretty bad and in no way a compliment). The practical effects are over the top and works perfectly for the goofy tone this movie was going for, like some guy with shrimps shoved in his eyes or a man being hit so hard his head retracts back into his torso, you know, all the good stuff.

The dialogue…do I need to say anything else than an example early on in the movie where a man is told an assassin is going to kill his within three minutes:

- “Kill me in three minutes? Three minutes is as much time as you’ve taken a dump but you’ve still got like, faint bits of shit sort of smearing at the toilet, right?”

I rest my case.

I don’t know what’s worse, that this movie has everything from butt-shurikens to acid breast milk, or that I was laughing at every single immature joke this movie was throwing at me. Ah well, final verdict? If you like Japanese humor, give it a watch, and if you’re not familiar with Japanese humor, you might want to approaches  this one carefully but I still highly recommend it, only for the sheer ridiculousness and because it might be one of the most random thing you’ll ever see.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Robo-Geisha’:

- Ass-play is taken quite literally in this movie.

- Everyone in this movie went to the same target practice as the Star Wars storm troopers.

- Grandpa be packing heat.

- Ass-swords…really movie? You just had to push it didn’t ya?

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 4,5/10

SexyKiller 2008 Review

SexyKiller

Psychotic crazy chick and zombies, sure, why the hell not?

Imagine watching a police drama, ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ and ‘The Simple Life’ at the same time while reading a Deadpool comic, and all that with a nonstop loop of the song “I’m a Barbie Girl” By Aqua blasting in the background at full volume.

Yup, that’s pretty much the experience of watching ‘Sexy Killer’ in a nutshell.

This little Spanish movie from 2008 was brought to us by Miguel Martí (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who it is).
And damn, why aren’t there more movies like that?

Meet Barbara: a psychotic college airhead that constantly breaks the forth wall by speaking directly into the camera and explain exactly why she is going to murder that one chick for wearing an outfit that she was so gonna maybe buy…ish.

Her life consist of trying out multiple outfits and killing pervs and anyone who annoys her, such as slutty classmates and horny teachers. Unfortunately her less than subtle murders seem to have caught the attention of the police, and two coroners and science students, who have managed to create a machine that can read the mind, even of the early departed. It would be only ironic that one of the two scientist falls in love with our favorite nail-polished sociopath and is mistaken himself by her as a fellow psychopath, with him being unobvious of the whole situation.

Little does Barbara known that the mind reading machine also seems to have some necromantic side effects, and soon, all her previous victims rise from the grave to take revenge and nom on all the brains they come across, and where else to do that but the Halloween fiesta?

What can I say? I loved this movie. Barbara is one of the most entertaining characters I’ve seen in a long time, and her ass kicking skills propels the plot forward at rocket speed, even if sometime the chronology can be confusing. A good chunk of the movie is told by Barbara to a guy she is torturing for running over her poodle ‘Jason’(yes, that’s a reference). She tells him, and thus us as well, how this whole ordeal came to be.

I gotta say, this has to be one of the most colorful dark comedy I’ve seen in a while. Everything to Barbara telling us how to asphyxiate some guy like she was on a cooking program, to a ‘House Of The Dead’ish climax with “The Bird Is The Word” song from family guy playing in the background.

This whole movie reminded me a lot of Suda 51’s ‘Lollypop Chainsaw’, if Julie would be a psychotic b8tch. Colorful and over the top while being self-aware and funny as hell.

There’s also a very “Re-Animator”esk subplot with the love interest and his friend playing around with the possibilities of playing god. The best part is when the love interest accidentally raise the first zombie and is then forced to raise the others in hope he will uncover the identity of their killer, quickly having to explain to his ex-classmates why they are dead. The zombies are very self-consent with what is happening to them and are even able to talk like regular people, for a while…then they just become your everyday rotting corps in search of brains.

The main focus of the first half of this movie is mainly Barbara slaughtering left and right, wondering why Leonardo Dicaprio had to die at the end of ‘Titanic’ while drowning a classmate, and the police trying to uncover the identity of the killer.

The second half is more a epic showdown between Barbara and her revived victims, which opens for more than enough hilarious and kick ass scenes.

The humor overall really reminded me of the likes of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and even “Shaun Of The Dead” at times, I can’t say I’ve seen many Spanish movies, but if the comedy is as good as in “SexyKiller”, I might have to check it out.

The only downsides I can come up with is that since this movie didn’t do great at the box office, I don’t expect a dubbed version anytime soon. Also the effects are pretty sh8t at times, but that only adds to the B-movie glory that is this great movie. And all is forgiven to a movie that refers to ‘Evil Dead’ in its final act. Although I gotta ask, is she called Barbara as an homage to the main character from the original Zombie movie ‘Night Of The Living Dead’ or am I just overthinking it?

Definitely recommending this one folks, great time guaranteed.

Things I’ve learned from ‘SexyKiller’:

- Zombies make the best BFF’s

- How to lose weight as a psychopath, for example, biting someone’s ear off burns 120 calories

- Chainsaws aren’t as useful as one would think in a zombie outbreak, I mean, it takes around ten minutes to get it to work, at least according to this movie.

- The amount of B-movies references in this movie is too damn high

[Special Award]

Earliest nude scene: 28 seconds (including opening credits)

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Evil Dead 2 Review

Evil Dead 2

The return of the Chin

Well, it seems I’ve been digging through the garbage lately. Sure, there were exceptions here and there, but I do feel it’s about time we review not only a movie I truly love, but also one of the most acclaimed and celebrated B-movie of all times, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sam Raimi’s opus magnum: Evil Dead 2, Dead by dawn.

Yes, I too used to be a child, and like most children, I didn’t know what made a good movie good and vice versa. My experience was based on what little I’ve heard in the broken down village in the Alps where I lived, where good color TV’s were rare and good movies were even harder to find. Mind you, it was the late nineties back then, and even though there was gold to be found out there, my life was held back by the great technological gap that filled the world I lived in. every once in a while my cousin would tell me of a movie she heard of about a man with claws that came in the dreams of children, and sometime I would see a poster of the new Jaws hanging on the side of a building. My taste in music, movies, and even people came from what was expected of me, of what other people saw as fitting. It was an innocent time perhaps, where we would sit in my aunt’s living room every Friday night and watch a weekly episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, back when it was still airing.

So it was to my delight when my cousin came in laughing and saying “You have to see this” as she held a VHS that looked so amazing my little brain almost exploded. We sat down and watched as she laughed and commented on how bad it was, the poor little thing didn’t know that in my corner, I was completely and utterly ignoring her, gazing in front of me at the screen that was flashing before my eyes. I hadn’t seen anything like it ever, she laughed and joked as my perception changed and I finally developed an opinion. Once it was all over and she finally stopped laughing, I looked at her and said “I liked it”. She tried to reason with me, telling me the effects were pure crap, the acting wasn’t even on par with the play her little brother had done at her school two weeks ago, but I couldn’t care less, I had found something I liked and I didn’t care what anyone had to say. And from that day on, I learned to see the world from a different view, from the view of a man who wasn’t afraid of the monsters under his bed because he had a chainsaw in the one hand, and campy one liners in the other.

There are very few works that have influenced my view on things the way this movie has,

Watchmen,Mozart’s Kyrie Eleison, the second Silent Hill, the work of Francis Bacon, and Sam Raimi’s masterpiece is no different. It came to me when it was most needed and left its mark on me as a reason not to be afraid of who I am and to be proud of my opinion.

You might say that Evil dead 2 gave way to my passion for B-horror movies, but it would be closer to the truth to say it gave way to my passion to films altogether.

But enough stalling, let’s get to reviewing:

Evil dead 2, subtitled Dead by dawn, produced in 1987 as a sequel to the first Evil dead, that by now, had made a reputation for itself in the underworld of the cult classics. Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell knew that they wouldn’t top the eerie atmosphere that they had set up in the first, and that trying to recreate it would only end in another disappointing sequel that would fade from the memories. So they tried something else, one of the most dangerous moves to pull off in any horror movie, focusing on the humor.

At that time it was either do or break, the fans would be in an outrage that the legacy of their first real scare would be turned into a cheap laugh, but they took the dive anyway.

Saying it paid off is one way of saying it, another would be that at first it didn’t, but eventually, the crowd went wild and the movie became the flag carrier for all upcoming B-movies to come, and with psychotic Ash ‘The chin’ as it’s captain, the movie carried on with a fanbase like no other.

It’s rare to find a movie that draws the line so thin between hilarious out of place slapstick comedy and brutal violence and horror. But Evil Dead 2 is one of those few that not only pulls it off, but master it to the point of being an example to all campy B-horrors movies that came after it.

  

The definition of manliness

The confusing thing about the evil dead saga’s storyline, is that Evil dead 2 can either be seen as a sequel, a remake or both. The first seven minutes of the movie recreate the events of the original Evil dead from 1981, but with only Ash and his girlfriend Linda, who becomes possessed and is killed by Ash in a desperate moment. From then on Ash gets attacked by an unseen force and then the movie concludes the events of the original. After that, Ash tries desperately to fend off the demons waiting to nom on his soul, and his own growing insanity and guilt from killing Linda, who doesn’t seem to want to stay dead. This is however quickly solved by a very touching scene, and by touching I mean chainsaw induced madness that literally overflows the screen.

But as Ash slowly loses his fight and his body slowly but certainly becomes possessed, the daughter of the original owner of the cabin waltz in with her boyfriend sized ken doll, a set of bad teeth and tree rape victim #2.

And together they fight off the demons of the night as Ash undergoes a moral metamorphosis from scared everyday best buy employee to sawed off shotgun wielding chainsaw hand first class badass.

Do I need to say more? Why are you still reading this? go watch it, now, and if you already seen it, go watch it again dammit.

This movie is one of the great, the Michelangelo of B-movies, the Darwin of its time, misunderstood by most, but only because they didn’t understand what stood before them.

On the technical side, it was made on the budget of a wheel of cheese and two cents. So of course you can see the cable holding Sam Raimi’s brother hanging in the air dressed as an old demonic granny. And you can see most of the crew running in the background, and you know they rewinded the footage of the fog coming out of the ground, and that the make up on demonic Ash is as believable as your uncle pretending to be Santa, and asking you to sit on his lap, when you’re 21…

Yes, yes I know it’s not top notch but dammit, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The cabin isn’t just a set, it’s a place where legends were born, and the one liners will be used in distant civilization as words of prophets when they uncover our broken cities, bombed to hell by our own stupidity and frustration that we probably never will recreate the feeling we feel deep inside our hearths when watching Evil Dead 2.

Go watch this movie.

Personal Rating: 9.9/10

Critical Rating: 8/10

What I’ve learned from Evil Dead 2:

- Pretty much everything I know

- How to man up to my fears

- How losing a hand isn’t always a bad thing

- The meaning of “When the wall will start bleeding”

- Bruce Campbell is made for 70 percent testosterones, the other 30 percent are pure, raw and unlimited badass

Cannibal! the musical review

Cannibal! The musical

Because why the F*&^not?

How to turn a real life tragedy in a goofy comedy movie from 1993? Have the crew of South Park do it of course, and while we at it, let’s turn it into a musical, because f*^& you moral sense, you can’t tell us what to do!

Yes, this little masterpiece really exist, and yes, it’s also based on a true, gruesome story, and yes, I should be offended, but somehow, I’m ok with this, it’s not like they had a rapping dog in it at least (I’m looking at you Titanic)

So what is this movie really about and why do I believe it’s pure genius?

Well, let’s see, the story tell the quest of six miners in the 1890 something, in search for Colorado.

Unfortunately for them, their guide is more pre-occupied with his strange and possible illegal relation with his horse rather than their destination or their safety. Along the way they sing, do a ballet rehearsal and meet Japanese 4e-wall-breaking Indians and other randomness.

But after a while, the food runs out and they are left with very little options, they have to resort to cannibalism, and yes, it’s all done in songs that will make you go “is that Mr Garrison or Cartman??”

Yes, if you couldn’t tell already, I really enjoyed this movie. The humor and style really reminded me the likes of “Dracula, dead and loving it”, you know, in a time where the market for comedy wasn’t owned by Adam Sandler and failed attempts to recreate the first Scary Movie.

This movie had me laughing from the very first scene, where the cannibal runs around biting people, ripping arms off and beating others over the head with it, at least you can’t blame it for not being straightforward. There where large chunks where nothing really happened but there was always an hilarious scene around the corner. The humor, both dialogue and physical where spot on, exactly what to expect from the South Park team.

My advice? Give it a watch. Its definitely a classic and a must-watch for all the South Park fans out there. All I’m hoping for now is “South Park does a Hindenburg chrismas”, and extra points everywhere if they make it a goddamn musical.

Personal rating: 8,5

Critical rating: 7

What I've learned from Cannibal! the musical:

- I’m never going to Wyoming.

- Nobody wants butt meat

- No musical should go without an epic cowbell solo

- This movie would makes for a great drinking game, called: Spot the alien

The Giant Spider Invasion 1975 review

The Giant Spider Invasion

 or: "The Mist" zero budget

Ok, here’s what you need to make a monster movie:

- City model that you can wreak

- Forgettable character except for that one a88hole who’ll die in a horrible an hilarious way

- A f8ing monster

How do mess this up??monster movies are one of the easiest things to shoot, just have a guy in a suit throw a tandem tantrum in the model city you made out of cardboard boxes, have the characters have a little line of dialogue every once in a while trying to explain the existence of said monster, and BAM, instant classic.

I really want to like ‘The Giant Spider Invasion’, I really do. It’s a cult classic, the effects are hilarious and who doesn’t love giant spiders? But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t find a shred of love for it in my heart for this movie that I can only call as fail and damn shame on the whole ‘monster movie’ genre. But I’m getting ahead of myself, ‘what is this movie actually about’ you may ask?

Well, one day, for no reason other than ‘The plot demands it!’ (a very common motivator in most 1970s movies) a black hole decides to open in some nasty hillbilly’s pot field (now you might wonder why I said nasty, well, it can have something to do with the fact that the a88hole tries throughout the entire movie to get in his girlfriend’s younger and probably jailbaity sister’s panties)

As movie logic would have it, the entire earth doesn’t collapse upon itself from having the leftover of a dying star on its surface, but somehow creates a portal to somewhere else, and it’s not before long that the inhabitants of that other place decide to come and say hello to their new neighbors.

And thus begins the invasion of the giant spider…and you might see the first problem I have with this movie, the spider isn’t plural. Yup, an invasion can be carried out by a single individual, there goes a major selling point.

Although the spider isn’t entirely alone, it brought it’s pretty much completely harmless tarantula pets along. Their only purpose is to serve as minor inconvenience to the inhabitants of the town, or as foreshadowing of something bigger to come. And that brings us to our second problem with this movie. The first 40 minutes of this movie are the following:

- Stereotypical Americans having mind crushing painful dialogue.

- The harmless tarantulas (you know, the supposedly ‘fearful monsters’ of this movie) serving as mildly annoyance to the townsfolk, such as crawling up their legs with suspenseful music, only to be nonchalantly brushed off and stomped, or getting eaten by accident with no advance to the plot howsoever.

- Two idiots teaming up with the world’s friendliest sheriff to look for the black hole for 30 minutes while having tea and talking about scientific explanations that a five year old would come up with.

- Something about diamonds involving the spider eggs for some reason

Rule number one of monster movies, don’t try too hard to have a plot or character development, what people want to see in a monster movie is, and I know this might come over as a shock but, a f8ing monster.

If this movie would have been called ‘invasion of the mild incontinences’ then okay, I would have forgiven it for having one or two tarantulas crawling in the background of a scene. But it’s not the case, we want to see a giant spider the size of a car, not a “oh guess I won’t see that anytime soon in my garage but it’s still no real big deal” spider.

The real giant spider finally shows up at 38 minutes into the movie, in all its glory that would make the Halloween decorations look realistic. And then the movie finally becomes what it was meant to be: a giant spider eating people. It’s all we asked for, and it shouldn’t take a movie 40 minutes to deliver on its goddamn premise.

I guess it’s the same problem I had with ‘the Blob’, but at least the monster got out pretty fast and already a body count before the movie got to a grinding halt, and the dialogue was at least bearable, unlike this failure of a flick.

What I’m trying to say is that it gets better on the second half, but it doesn’t make up for its shallow and idiotic first half. Also, somehow this movie think it’s more spiritual than it actually is, it constantly drops a scene of a preacher screaming in our ears bible quotes for no apparent reason

I already said it, it doesn’t work it your not eating a Big Kahuna burger and rocking an afro.

But enough about the negatives, I guess the spider looks kinda cool, like one of these fake toy spiders but about 50 foot larger. It’s pretty hilarious seeing it walking in the background flaying it’s legs around like it just don’t care.

It’s pretty funny until the sheriff tries to stop the civilians from trying to kill the damn thing, and that’s apparently a bad thing? I get the whole aspect in which they put themselves in danger, but if your lazy ass ain’t gonna do it might as well be an angry mobs with guns? Ah well whatever, see if I care.

Final thought? Wasted potential at a great movie due to actually trying to have a story and suspense, points for trying I guess, but it shouldn’t take the first half of the movie to finally have some sort of payoff, or plot for that matter.

Things I learned from “The Giant Spider Invasion”

- A good movie title doesn’t make a good movie.

- Cars in Wisconsin explode when slightly tapped

- This movie really doesn’t help with the whole “Fat American stereotype”

- What to do when you run out of budget? Just scrap an ending that doesn’t make sense and that involves an incredible lucky shot and a whole lot of rewinding, and hope the audiance would already have left the theater at that point.

Personal rating: 5 / 10

Critical rating: 3.5 / 10