December Update

hey folks,
I promised I'd let you guys know if there was any delayes on the reviews, so here it is: there will be some delayes in the comming weeks.
yes, who would have thougt I'd fall victim to the thing known as Christmas, but here I am, dragged from my home to a place in the middle of nowehere (also commonly known as Belgium) to spend some time with a sweet old lady that keeps calling me Raoul or Micheal (swear to god I couldn't make it up if I tried). so I'll be without internet for the coming days, and I'm really sorry about that, believe it or not, I had my Christmas review of ''Santa Claus conquers the Martians'' done and ready to go, but expect it in Januari along with the third and fourth instalment of the nightmare on Elm Street.
and if you're asking about the poor quality of this update, both in timing and grammar, i'm sorry to inform that i'm typing all of this on my Phone while hogging the only wifi hotpoint in town like a madman.
See you next year guys, merry Christmas for what it's worth and have a safe new year.
Grimmbreak

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge 1985 Review

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Letdown sequel and Freddy’s strange obsession to get inside teenage boys

And we’re back with the second entry to the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' saga. And with no other than, according to most, the lowest point in the series, Nightmare on Elm street 2: Freddy’s revenge.

Produced only one year after the original nightmare came out, this is the movie that has fans and critics slamming down their fists in union. But is it as bad as most say? Well, let’s take a look at the plot.

Confused teenager Jesse and his family move to a new house, and it would only be logical that the house would be the same house where Nancy ‘banished’ the dream demon, Freddy Kreuger, and she sure did a lousy job of it, because guess who comes knocking down the walls of Jesse’s dreams? And he wants nothing more than his body for him to play with while they together replay the shower scene from 'American History X' with Jesse’s gym teacher and some whips…wait did we just stumbled into a different kind of movie?

Yeah…it’s gonna get weird, but the gist of it is that dear ol’ Fred wants to take over this whiny little bratty kid’s body to…murder around I guess? Ok, fist question here, why does Freddy want to be mortal again? He does know that the last time he was mortal he got burned harder than Taylor Swift at the VMA’s a few years back, there’s the obvious fact that he’ll walk around like a guy that has stuck pancakes to his face, and this time, people will actually be able to waste his scorched ass. I mean, it’s never explained why he was able to haunt kid’s dreams and become practically a god within his own realm, but it sounds like a hell of an upgrade from kiddyfidler groundskeeper to all powerful dream demon that murders all who sleep.

Just seems like a cheap trick have a possession story, but well, beside that gaping plothole, what else can there be said about this movie? Well, ok, disregarding the fact that Fred’s got a death wish, why does he want Jesse in particular? He even says at the beginning that he’s special or something, how is he special? Was he born under the star of plot convenience when all the BS planets were aligned? It’s never explained, Jesse’s got a younger sister, why didn’t Fred go after her? guessing with his past he’d probably think ’the younger the better’, and kids are much more easily fooled, why didn’t he just show up in her dream as a giant fluffy bunny or goddamn Justin Bieber or whatever.

But no, he wants Jesse, not any other kid in the neighborhood , just him and his awkward teenage romance with the girl next door.

Ah yes, the girlfriend Lisa, played by Kim Myers. She practically carries the movie in the third act, and why isn’t she the main character of the movie? She has a much more interesting personality and she is probably the best girlfriend any one could ever wish for,  you start telling about how you have dreams in which you brutally murder left and right? She accepts it and actually tries to help. You think you might have a spiritual connection with a child murderer that has been dead for the better part of the past decade? She believes you and search for a way to sever the connection. I mean really, faithful, helpful, cheery, nice and cute as a button? Do girls like that even exists?

So yeah, the story and the protagonist aren’t exactly the strong points of this movie, so what is?

Well, the effects are nice. Sure, they ain’t as good as the first one, shocker there, but at times they were creative, well, except for when the movie decide to pull a Hitchcock and redo a scene from “Birds” with an extra kamikaze ending. Seriously, exploding birds, what the hell where they thinking?

But for the rest, I guess credit is due where it is, and some of the effects where interesting. One of my favorite being at the very beginning where a school bus is being driven of the road as the landscape changes into a hellish abyss. Pretty neat scenery, but the whole movie does feel a little cheap. But all that good is being ruined by the fact that the first movie did everything a tenfold better, and the things they try to do just seems strange. For example, the entire movie, Freddy doesn’t have his glove, weird right? The knives just come out of the fingertips . I first thought it might be because the glove actually plays in the movie as an object of both rejection and temptation for Jesse, and is actually a physical object in the real world. But then the vodka started to slowly dissolve from my brain and I remembered that the glove was also a physical object in the first movie, where Freddy did have a glove at all times. It might be a small mistake here and there, but piled up, they do tend to piss off viewers.

But did this movie do anything right? In my opinion it did, I really liked the Freddy in this movie, it seemed like he had more of a personality, and even though he wasn’t in the spotlight much, he does get his times worth in the third act, which gives us a nice rest from our other obnoxious main character

But now we come to the big question, the one that had everyone’s jimmies rusted when they saw this flick:

Are the Homo-erotic undertones of Nightmare on Elm street 2 there by accident or was this really meant to tackle the subject of homosexual feeling during the coming of age of adolescence?

Well, there’s no question that some of those undertones were blatant, if I can say so. Sure I joked about it earlier with my summary of the plot. But to be fair, this movie deals a lot with sexuality, a lot more than in the first movie, ironic seeing as that no one actually had sexual intercourse in this movie, while in the first movie, the act was very much there early on in the movie to set the stamps on the characters of “the whore” and “the jock”, an almost ritualistic scene in every slasher movie, and above all, Wes Craven movie, who would never pass on the chance to have a cliché to then shine an ironic light on it.

But the fact that this movie deals more openly on the theme of adolescence and sexuality is all well and good, but why are the homo-erotic undertones so blatant? But a better question is, are they really there?

I believe that the homophobia of the modern age might have clouded our mind a bit on that subject, we have been crying wolf for so long that we tend to see them everywhere. I’ll admit that there are some scenes that are very much ‘gay’, there is no disputing about that. Like when half awake, Jesse stumbles into a leather bar and runs into his Gym teacher, who obviously has a ‘Dom’ complex, who makes Jesse exercise in the middle of the night only to lure him to the showers, where he gets his own misfortunate encounter with Freddy. There is no question that this scene was very much ‘gay’, yes. But maybe, and I’m just speculating here, this scene was meant more as a way for Jesse to overcome his father issues and fear of school. The strong, masculine, dominating Gym teacher could almost be a textbook description of how most teenagers saw their own father figures. And the fact that Freddy , through Jesse, actually serves what he deems a ‘just reward’ only proves Jesse’s own obsession with his revolting nature against his own father who is actually a very strict masculine figure.

There are many more questionable scenes, such as Jesse’s disgust toward the act of coitus with Lisa, but what most seem to miss is why he is revolted. In the scene Jesse and Lisa are getting it on in a private room at a party, when suddenly Jesse’s tongue turns into a misshaped mess of flesh as he was about to use it on her bosoms, which forces our wimpy protagonist to run away in fear to seek comfort at his bro’s house. This was seen by many as very proving of the undertones of the movie. But lost in translation is actually a much deeper scene than that. The fact that Jesse is disgusted in himself, and not Lisa, seems to actually show us that Jesse suffers from a ‘Hedgehog dilemma complex’ rather than homosexual urges. He is not disgusted by the female body, but is actually afraid of hurting Lisa was he ever to get this close to her.

So is this movie as Avant-guard in homosexual movement for the slasher genre as everyone is saying?

No, I’m not saying that the gay undertones aren't there, because they are. But I think it comes more from the lack of direction from the director’s part rather than actual intent.

So with all this said and done, is this movie any good? Well, it makes for an interesting tale about coming to terms with adolescence by having a demon literally taking over your body, but it makes for an horrible sequel to Nightmare on Elm Street. But I still don’t think it’s deserving of all the hate it’s getting.

Personal rating: 5/10

Critical rating: 4/10

Things I’ve learned from ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Freddy’s Revenge’

- The ‘Revenge’ part is pretty played down, although the kill count is pretty damn high.

- Jesse’s performance in his bedroom of ‘Touch me’ was still better than Miley Cyrus at the VMA’s.

- Exploding birds invading other movies than ‘Birdemic’

- When a dude breaks into your room in the middle of the night, jumps on you while you’re in bed and put his hand over your mouth while saying that there is something trying to get inside his body so he want to sleep next to you, your reaction shouldn't be calmly giving him relationship advise, no matter the bro-mance

Freddy’s Kill count:

14

Best Kill in this movie:

Exploding birds

Best Kill so far:

Blood geyser 

A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984 review

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Edward scissor hands on acid

A yes, Wes Craven and his strange fixation to deconstruct the ‘Slasher’ genre. His most notorious achievement in that field that would later become his opus moderandi  would be no other than 1996’s “Scream”, but did you know that nightmare on Elm street was originally meant to be an anti-slasher? Believe it or not, one of the most famous face in slasher history was meant to end the entire genre, but it all backfired and Freddy Krueger’s nightmare became what pretty much saved the knife wielding drunken teenagers slumber party killing world.

It also comes to mind that I should do a review on Friday the 13’th, seeing as it was two days ago, but I couldn't be bothered. You want a short review of that movie? Here it is, it’s hella boring and disappointing for the reason Scream spoils in the first five minutes of its movie, and don’t give me that crap “But you saw him at the end of the movie on that boat” well tippy doe and call me Dorothy, cuz I’m tipping down the yellow brick road and beating the wicked witch of the east to death with her broom. When we want to see a zombie behemoth man-child murdering a bunch of helpless teenagers, the movie shouldn’t blueball us like that only to show us that it was a guy at the other end of the glory hole. At least the sequels had all kind of awesome adventures, like going to the hood or into the bloody spacefuture.

What was I speaking of before I got lost in camp crystal lake? Ah yes, A nightmare on Elm street, the original nightmare. I got the whole collection a few days ago and thought, well, why not review the entire saga? So expect the whole month of December to be Freddy related, with a very special something unrelated on Christmas.

Nancy and her friends all seen to be plagued by the same nightmare, a man in a green and red coat and a brown hat with knives at his fingertips trying to turn them into shish kebab. But as they try to have a sleepover in hope that the nightmare will stop, things go awfully wrong as the nightmare becomes reality. Their parents and the whole town seems to know more that they are letting on, and as the kids begin to drop like flies, it’s up to Nancy to find a way to fight this monster, because you know, it’s not like it’s the cops job or anything, who are as useful in this movie as water at a Russian party.

This movie is amazing, for one, Robert Englund kills it as Freddy Krueger. It’s definitely one of his trademark roles and one fans loved for years. The rest of the actors do a solid job for the most part and it’s always hilarious to see a pre-famous Johnny Depp.

The imagery and the effects are some of the best for the time, the fact that a great chunk of the movie happens in dreams gives the art department a whole lot to play with, and play they did. The sets, especially the well-known ‘boiler room’, which is a the realm that Freddy creates as his own personal hunting ground, looks amazing, although there is still work for improvements here and there. And the effects are some of the craziest and mind-blowing that wasn’t meant to be perceived by the human mind at that time. Some of them even creep me out, after 31 years most of it still holds up perfectly.

If a had one gripe with the movie, it would probably be Freddy himself, or better said, what his reputation made him out to be.

Freddy, Chucky and Ash are probably my favorite horror icons, simply because they are quick to the gun and have a whole lot of humor in what they do. I’m not really a fan of the quite, slow walking murder machines, like Jason or Myers. I prefer my crazy psychopath’s with some bite. And even though I hate to admit it, the Freddy of the original nightmare on Elm street didn’t have much personality. But then again, they didn’t really know what they were going to do with him and probably never expected to be such a success. So in the end it’s not really a flaw but rather a character that hasn’t yet been developed.

And although the movie can be a bit slow at times, it always surprises you with a dream sequence you didn’t even know you were in.

Overall great movie, amazing effects, solid acting, especially on Englund’s side. Definitely worth a watch, or multiple even. See you in part 2, Freddy’s revenge.

Personal rating: 8.5/10

Critical rating: 9/10

Things I’ve learned from ‘A Nightmare On Elm Street’:

- All it takes to turn a upper privilege white girl into John Rambo is a lunatic who disrupts her beauty sleep.

- Johnny Depp’s body contains enough blood to fill the red sea, no wonder the rum was always gone.

- Also, his jar of dirt didn’t save him this time either.

- The fact that Freddy Krueger is a well-known child murderer and possibly molester, doesn’t stop the internet of writing romantic fanfic about him. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna scrub the filth of my eyes with sandpaper.

 

Freddy’s kill-count:

4 kills

Best kill so far:

Blood geyser 

Sint 2010 Review

Sint

Bloodshed and Pepernoten

Aww yeah, time to get some culture up in this b8tch.

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the northern European country of Holland, where the weather’s sh8t and the potheads are many. As much as I sometimes dislike the country and its lack of mountains, genuine eatable food, horrible driving habit and overall simply retarded government, if there’s one thing I’m grateful for, it’s the extra holydays (and the beer is also worth mentioning).

Seriously, there are so many holydays in this country, it’s impossible to count, the Dutch don’t drop their pants without taking the day off to celebrate. You’ve got the day big  J was born, the day he died, the day he rose up again, the day he went up to heaven, the day he got his first beer. Hell, they even have a holyday named “Koninginnedag”  (admit it kinda sounds like a Norwegian deathmetal band), but I dare you to find anyone who actually knows what the hell they are celebrating.

But one of these Holyday’s is on the fifth of December called “Sinterklaas”, where an anorexic Santa gets of his cruise ship with his countless racial offensive ‘helpers’ and goes around scaring the hell out of your kids and throwing candy to your face that taste like a camel’s a88 covered in spices.

But technically, it’s exactly the same as Christmas(an holyday the Dutch also celebrates 20 days later), except Santa put down his slim Jim and the elves are literal 18e century slaves who brings presents to all little good boys and girls, which instead of putting them under a tree, they proceed to cram into their wooden shoes because the concept of actually being able to walk was optional in Holland.

So of course, in 2010, someone thought it was a great idea to copy “Santa Slay” and give our friendly bearded friend a makeover, said genius was Dick Maas, who also made a movie about a killer elevator that was awesome and that I definitely recommend ( ‘De Lift’)  , but who now makes movies about killer festivities, how low one can fall…

So in the spirit of December, and one day after Sinterklaas, let’s take a look at the Dutch horror fest: Sint,

It’s 5 December once again it the great capital of the Rastafarian worldwide, Amsterdam, and everyone is busy preparing for yet another holyday. Well, except for detective Hoekstra, although he is also preparing but in his own way, which involves a surprising amount of firepower, because he know that if there is a full moon on the fifth of November, the friendly saint Nicholas, who was a ruthless child kidnapping pirate back in the days, will set port with his nightmarish ship and his army of the death to murder, pillage and burn the city to the ground.

And as the full moon is just about to rise on this faithful night, we follow a desperate attempt to stop this massacre by Hoekstra and other soon to be dead underperformed teenagers.

Lost ya didn’t I? it’s probably around this point that you’ve come to wonder “pirates, ghostship, undead army, is this the Dutch Pirates of the Caribbean??”

And unfortunately I’ll have to answer no, although I’m sure Depp would make this movie quite interesting, the whole pirates thing is pretty easily overshadowed when you see an undead St Nicholas riding on rooftops with his horse to escape the cops.

And before you ask, is this movie mean to be silly, yes. Oh yes it is, but that doesn’t mean it can’t have some great scares here and there.

The acting’s bearable, for the most part at least, the main teenager is a tad bit annoying at times and everybody seems to be reading lines instead of trying to give life to a character, but eh, I had my expectation lowered when I heard about this movie anyway.

The atmosphere in the later acts of this movie are great but I still feel like the ending just kinda happened, very little build up, no real feel of urgency, just disappointing and rushed.

But really it’s not about the characters or the story, it’s about seeing St Nick coming to town killing and maiming and being an all-around badass, and then leaving , kind of a simple summary for the whole movie I guess, and while it lasted, I kind of liked it.

But the biggest problem I fear for ‘Sint’ is the language and cultural barrier, which for non-Netherlanders can be kinda hard to pull trough. As far as I know there isn’t a dub, so if any non-Dutch want to give it a try, brace yourselves, it can be rough.

So at the end of the day, is it worth watching? Well, it’s as good as one would expect. But I’m not so sure that’s a compliment…

Personal rating: 6/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Things I’ve learned from “Sint”

- Did they just blow up all those kids at the end?? HOW IS THIS A GOOD THING??

- Zombie ninja pirates are awesome at stealing yo kidz

- Cops are d8cks

The Refrigerator 1991 Review

The Refrigerator

Attack of the kitchen appliances from hell

You know those movies, where the name and the premise is half the fun? Like killer klown from outer space or return of the killer tomatoes?

Yeah, so here’s a movie about a killer fridge from hell, do with that information whatever you want.

Released in 1991, this weird thing I’m unsure to call a movie or a bad joke someone made on a late Saturday night after a whiskey intoxication, is brought to us by Nicholas Jacobs, who unfortunately never really did anything else worthwhile.

A movie about a killer fridge, *sight* seems like just yesterday that I used to review normal movies…wait, I never did review a movie based on any plane of normality, why am I complaining??

Ilene and Michael Bateman (not sure if it’s a reference to the book American Psycho, seen as it was published in the same year this movie came out), a young and ambitious couple decide to buy a place in the less rat infested parts of new York, little do they know that their refrigerator has a minor case of the satanz and goes around munching on unimportant extra’s during it’s free time.

But it seems Michael is getting more and more willing to listen to the little people living in his fridge telling him to kill his wife as the movie goes on, and yes, I wish I could make sh8t like this up as I go along. But thankfully, Ilene gets help from the greatest man alive, Super-plumber Juan, who with his pornstash and epic dancing skills manages to even give Bruce Campbell a run for his money. My god is that man awesome.

So what is there to say about this movie? Besides that it’s about a fridge that goes ballistic that is. Well, I guess you can say it’s about the fear of committing, as Ilene and Michael seem to take each other for granted and their relationship slowly start to break down to the simple factor of mistrust, or you could say it’s about a GODAMN KILLER FRIDGE FROM HELL THAT EATS PEOPLE.

Seriously, do I need to say more? People, there is a motion picture in which a refrigerator eats a man whole by comically opening and shutting it’s door.

I guess I could talk about the needless dialogue or the plot that gets crammed in there too tight like it’s trying to overshadow the killer fridge, like the constant flashbacks from Ilene about her youth that ends up going, guess where? Nowhere at all of course!

I mean we get scenes upon scenes of her childhood trauma that all ends up in a big fat cry and f8ck all else. No character motivation, just the super plumber and his unusual good people skills (I’m serious, I can’t find a single flaw with this guy).

But there are some great scenes, I’ll give this cheap movie that much, there is a scene that just might be the best moment in cinematography of all time. I mean really, how can you even start to top a scene in which a depressed workaholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night with a smile that would put the Cheshire cat to shame just to say: “I am the wafflemaker!”

I tip my hat off to you “The Refrigerator”, you have out random’d me mister, may the blessing of the great space homophobic squirrel lord go with you.
but all joking aside, this movie is silly, really silly. Maybe not in the way that 'Robo-Geisha' is silly in a self-acknowledged way, but more based on the premise, while the movie tries it’s darn hardest to pass a serious story about a troubled falling apart couple that just so happen to have a killer doorway to hell located in their fridge, and also the best plumber I’ve ever seen, seriously, I can’t get over this guy, I think I have a bro-crush.

Death by fridge, now I've seen everything

So should you watch this movie?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you owe it to yourself to see this movie, simply because you’ll then be able to brag to your friends that you've seen everything. But really, it’s kinda slow and a lot of story goes nowhere, but at least you’ll see a guy gets eaten by a fridge, that’s something I guess.

Personal rating: 6.5/10

Critical rating: 4.5/10

Things I’ve learned from “The refrigerator”:

- I knew living in New York was tough, but damn.

- Good names don’t make good movies

- Plumbers are awesome, bonus points for the mustache

- When little people inside you fridge start telling you how to live your life, it’s time to put down the waffle maker belt and seek some help.

- Can’t wait for “the mixer of doom” or “The little toaster massacre"

[special award] 
Greatest moment in cinema history:
The Wafflemaker

Brainscan 1994 Review

Brainscan

Pre Virtual-Boy of doom

I get the distinctive idea that people in the 90’s saw us gamers as a bunch of psychopaths waiting to snap, then again, here we have “Brainscan”, a flag holder for worried mommies all over the nation blaming anything but their own parental skills for their kids sudden homicidal tendencies.

A movie about a violent video game in the 90’s? my my, this sounds interesting.

Brought to us in 1994, a glorious year for us gorehounds, this little movie tackles the question of how far one is willing to fall to erase the consequences of a remorseless act.

So let’s go back to a time where the SEGA CD was still a ‘thing’ and figure out why video games are apparently the devil incarnated.

Peeping tom extraordinaire sixteen years old Micheal finds time between his voyeurism sessions and chillaxing like a baller with his typical ”far out dude!” bro to try the game everyone is talking about, Brainscan, a game that is played directly with your brain. Unfortunately after having finished the first disc and mission, that involved sneaking into some poor sod’s house and going Norman Bates on his ass, Michael realizes that the game seems to have consequences in the real world, and he finds himself screwed when the police don’t buy his puppy dog eyes alibi. Even worse, a strange entity follows him around calling himself “the trickster” to make his life a living hell and force him to continue playing, acting like Micheal’s conscience forcing him to take care of the witnesses and erase his tracks. All while we witness the poor little Micheal make time to ask the girl next door out and Micheal’s best friend recreate dialogue from ‘Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure’.

As Micheal continues playing and digs his grave deeper and deeper, reality starts to shift as Trickster makes the game more and more difficult and detective Mc-coldface abnormally good intuitions lead him to his murderer.

can't tell if his face says
"Let's play some super smash brawl"
or "Squeal like a little piggy!"

Okay, let’s get this out of the way, I frigging love this movie. Maybe strange seeing as that in my review of “Satan’s little helper” I criticized it for shining such a negative light on gamers. But in this movie the subject is approached in a much more mature angle. Sure Micheal and his friend are obsessed by horror movies simply for the gore and will play any game with blood in it, and above all doesn't even question the idea of playing a game where the main objective is to perform ruthless homicidal acts for the Lulz.

But the real question this movie asks is: how far is someone gonna go if they believe that their acts are without consequence. Which is a really good and interesting subject regarding the human psychology and the sick dark place that lurks in the human creativity.

So do I like the story? Yes, it’s a murder case  with a bit of a supernatural angle and seen from the perspective of the killer. The message is maybe a little too preachy for me, video games are violent and so on, but let’s remember that it was a very difficult time then, and the idea of blaming something new was simpler than looking at the truth. The questions the movie asks are interesting and it’s an entertaining situation to watch our protagonist get out of.

The characters were all right for the most part, the kid that played Micheal did a good job, and the Trickster is damn entertaining to see. He’s the kind of devil you could have a good laugh with and that could kill you the next moment, all while abusing your house with his questionable feeding habits. I’ll admit that the Trickster is probably the main reason why you should watch this movie, a strange sadistic entity that forces you to continue murdering with as leverage the fear of getting caught? What’s not to love?

And off course we are treated to pre-perfection 90’s CGI and some great practical effects.

The CGI is actually pretty interesting, at time it’s your average 90’s lightning effects, but sometime it seems like they add a painted effect to some of the morphing effects on the Trickster, which give a pretty interesting combination of pre CGI and other canvas techniques.

I really recommend this movie, the story’s good and the ending always makes me laugh. For anyone looking for a cheezy 90’s horror/gore movie with a good twist, I promise you won’t be disappointed, if you don’t mind the teenage drama sprinkled here and there.

Personal rating: 8,5/10

Critical rating: 7/10

Thing I’ve learned from “Brainscan”:

-Damn, so SEGA was evil back in the days, who knew, well, apart from those who know about sonic.EXE I guess.

- Didn’t know the Goblin King and the Leprechaun had a kid, good to know he went into the gaming industry, instead of kidnapping babies or murdering one sixth of  the cast of ‘Friends’.

-Man, I want Micheal’s room. Kid’s got a own electronic butler named Igor. All I got as a kid was a pet lizard I had to catch on my own.

-Who else thinks that “horror movie club” is the best idea for a high school since forcing girls into miniskirts?

Motor Home Massacre 2005 Review

Motorhome Massacre

Because “trailer park of horror” was already taken

What do you get if you give a redneck a camcorder?

You mean apart from the tons of hilarious videos of them doing stupid sh8t as a result of their intoxication on tasteless scotch? Well, there’s also the fact that one of them might get the idea stuck  in his thick head that he wants to make a movie. And thus, we end up with Motor Home Massacre, I’m sure the stereotypical redneck is highly exaggerate, but movies like these keep slapping me in the face with the cold hard fact that they just might be all too true.

Brought to us in 2005 by an amateur movie director Allan Wilbanks, this shot on crackmera violent schmuck flew right under the radar for, well, more than obvious reasons.

Seeing from the title, an obvious parody of a much better movie, it will come as no surprise that this movie takes itself as seriously as Charles Mason giving Ed Gain a piggy back ride on a peace rally.

But what else can be said about this one and a half hours’ worth of brain cells holocaust?

Well, quite a lot actually.

Seven teenagers decide to take a motorhome to the middle of nowhere and have a good time, little do they know that they are about to embark in a tale filled with every single cliché in the book, creepy store clerk telling them about a horrible series of murders in the area, check, picking up an hitchhiker along the way, check, dumb blonds getting what’s coming to them, check.

Yes, the group gets harassed by an unknown killer, who picks them up one by one and kills them in brutal and cheesy ways, but the real question is: what did you expect from a movie called ‘motor home massacre’? you know it’s a bunch of idiots in a motorhome getting Jason-Voorhees’D.

So is this movie any good? Well the short answer would be no, the long answer would be that this movie doesn’t just fail as a horror, but also as a parody, which is a shame really. They had all the cliches, all the cheesy effects, but they just didn’t use them to their advantage, only one scene of five seconds made me laugh near the end throughout the entire movie, and it was all based on a guy looking down at his newly found amputation and saying “damn” with such nonchalance like he just had stepped in a dog turd on his way to the mall.

But apart from that one scene, nothing really stands out, all the actors seems to have gone to the Nic cage school of acting, which sounds pretty cool, but it really works on your nerves after a while.

The effects were okay, if noting a little cheap, but then again, we’re talking about motor home massacre here.

And now the soundtrack, oh god the soundtrack. I swear to god, if I ever hear the song ‘Truck lovin’man’ one more time I’m gonna personally find whoever decided to put this wretched thing in any motion picture and shove my foot so far up his a** he’ll be shitting boots for the rest of his life.

Apart from that horrid song, the rest of the soundtrack sounds like a emo band trying to slit their wrists with their instruments. Well, that’s what I thought of the soundtrack until the mother of all misplaced great song found its way into this little mess of a movie. Skin-dropped by buttonhook(the first credit song), my god does that gem of a song have nothing to do in a movie like this, unfortunately due to the failure of this movie’s success, that song and that band are harder to find than Shaq’s movie career.

So is this movie worth watching? Probably not, unless if you’re into awkward sex scenes and kindergarten-level dialogue.

Personal rating: 4/10

Critical rating: 3/10

Things I've learned from "Motor home massacre":
- Dating someone who has the voice of Satan might not have been a good idea in hindsight.

- The cops are d8cks in this movie, forcing a group of teenagers to stay in the same woods where there has been a murder? Why not give them giant neon signs with “fresh meat” on them while you’re at it.

- Slasher killers are the best mechanics 

I'm Back!

That’s right, after a short unplanned absence from this blog I finally have some time for myself again.

First off, I’d like to apologies for my lack of reviews the past few weeks, and for not mentioning or warning you all for the upcoming lack of attention. But from now on, I’ve decided to keep a strict agenda, and I promise at least one review each week. I’m not sure of the day yet, and how to deal with the possible delay, but we’ll figure something out, won’t we?

Grimmbreak

It's Alive 2008

It’s Alive

the greatest condom commercial of all times, next to Gary Busey.

We've seen it all, haven’t we? Killer robots, giant spiders, giant robot spiders, zombies, psychopaths, clowns from outer space, ghosts, pissed off elves, maniac leprechauns, killer vagina’s, sharkpedo’s and even goddamn Santa clause seems to have gone homicidal, so really it was only a matter of time before we came across a killer baby.

Yes people, a killer baby indeed. Because apparently the only thing you need to make a movie is half a braincell and the ability to point your finger at a random word in the dictionary, two if you’re feeling fancy, and in this case the lucky words of the day were: Shut the hell up and watch this baby rip this guy’s head of for some reason.

Although saying that the writers of this little mess had the idea all by themselves would be putting too much faith in them, it’s actually a remake. A remake of a movie I’ve never seen. Reviewing a remake without having seen the original? This sounds promising.

So what’s this movie about? A rabbit finds a baby kangaroo and together they go on an epic quest to find the letter Q. it’s about a killer baby dammit! I’m pretty sure you can fill in the blanks. Mother has child, child is the spawn of Satan and kills people in all its CGI glory while the mother looks at him in her useless self, whispering ”That’s a good boy, my sweetheart needs a bath, it looks like you've got some Mr Wilkins on you” and the father is too busy doing f8ck all off screen to bother with the fact that his week old son has rounded up the population of the town to compete with the numbers of good books written by Stephenie Meyers…so to zero pretty much for those out there that though ‘the short second life of bland blander’ was ‘barable’.

All right, so is this movie any good? Well it might come as a shocker but no, really not. Although I am completely behind the idea of a homicidal infant, I’ll have to go with the little voice in my head and say this movie is proper crap.

Why? Well for one, the characters make no sense, the dad is never around and when he finally decide to show his face on set he is as useful as tits on a nun, but that’s at least better than the mother character. I get the whole “motherly love”, but when you’re kid start bringing dead animals home and eat them, I say it’s a good moment to call some help, and hopefully a priest…and an AK47 just in case. (And if the priest “kicks ass for the lord”, all the better)

She is utterly unobvious to the fact that her child is the f8ing resurrection of Patrick Bateman mixed with Ed Gain and a safe dose of goddamn crazy, and when she finally start suspecting something, she does nothing except washing the blood from her friends off her baby.

But the biggest of all flaws is the missed opportunities, for one: you have a movie called “It’s alive” and not a single Frankenstein’s reference? I’d even settle for a shot of Boris Karloff walking in the background, just saying.

And two, and probably most important, having a kid in a wheelchair and not getting creative with it. I mean, in an all-white horror movie, a wheelchair bound character is basically a giant rolling neon sign saying: “gonna die horribly in a really twisted way”. And guess what, the kid doesn't die, he doesn't even get a scratch on him. When the movie “DOOM” does something better, it’s time to take your movie on a date and rethink your marriage.

The effects are laughable, and not in a good way. All CGI, not a single practical effect, except for the blood that looks as believable as spilling kool aid over your buddies. The dialogue is silly at best and the movie takes itself way too serious. If it was trying to be funny I’d give the effects a free pass and see it as a silly little mess rather than a complete train wreck. The story is predictable and feels incomplete, why is that kid a monster? Never explained, so here’s the theory I came up after a half bottle of vodka with my friend from ‘a horror diary’, Melanie: this movie is actually child play 4, Chucky sneaked in the hospital at the time of birth, took care of the doctors with witty comebacks and an ax to the face, told the kid his secret for loophole sake, and got the kid’s body, however unable to speak he still goes on murderous rampages. Honestly tough, my drunken theories makes more sense than the whole movie. But anyway, not a great movie overall, maybe alright as white noise at a party, but I hope the original is better, by the looks of the trailer, they at least had the goofy side of things right.

Personal rating: 3.5

Critical rating: 4

Things I’ve learned from “It’s Alive”

- Good to know the baby from “Braindead” is still getting work.

- I’ve never seen so many people with different nationalities work on one movie.

- The best part are the credits, try to find a name that doesn’t end with a V, I swear to god there are more Droshnikov’s and Popov’s than retards at a klan meeting.

Two Evil Eyes 1990 Review

Two Evil Eyes

Two heads, one movie, half the effort,  and a shi8tton of apologies to poor ‘ol Eddie Poe

Ah yes, Edgar Allen Poe, once a tragic writer ahead of its time, now but a mere throwaway joke whenever a movie director can’t come up with some original idea.

Yes it seems there are more Poe based movies around than high-schools in anime, well I don’t care if the idea’s been dryer than Conrad Hilton’s tit after a Night In Paris, believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to watch this little mess that we call “Two evil eyes”.

Why? Four words: George A f8king Romero. Now what heresy is this, you might ask, a campy movie critic who’s repertoire seems to exists solely on Evil dead 2 jokes, admiring the zombie master himself known as Goerge A Romero? Most unorthodox!...wait not really, it actually goes as well hand in hand as a creepy dog owner and peanut butter.

Yes of course I adore anything with the man’s name on it, hell, I’ve even given “The Crazies” remake a free pass for having his name in the credits. So when I heard he made a movie that flew under everyone’s radar I went nuts and watched the damn thing, and I must say, after having seeing it, I start to see why everyone disregarded it like road kill.

Because there is another half to this otherwise awesome coin, Dario Argento.

Most people seem to actually like the guy, hell, he’s even seen as one of the better horror movie directors out there, personally though? I really don’t like him. Sure I haven’t seen every single one of his movies, but the ones I saw didn’t really catch my eyes or anything, and the guy himself is a complete creep. But then again, I’m just one guy and obviously not someone who was asked if it was a good idea to put these two directors in the same room with an Edgar Allan Poe novel.

So two movies for the price of one, what could go wrong?

The first story, directed by Romero, is a recreation of “the facts in the case of Mr. Valdemar”, a story an unlikable wife who cheats of her unlikable dying husband Valdemar with an unlikable doctor. Gees, talk about screwing you’re affair on your husband’s dying bed.

Well, it might come as no surprise that the characters aren’t the main driving point here seeing as they could easily been rewritten with top hats and monochromes and make a guest appearance in Captain Planet. What really gets this story going is that the unlikable wife has to keep her husband alive long enough to get the green the old geezer is sleeping on , unfortunately said task prove to be difficult as he trades his wardrobe for a red shirt and bites the dust faster than you can say ‘gold digger’. Fortunately the doctor had Valdemar under hypnosis at the time of dead, and it seems to have created a mortal loophole leaving the old man in-between worlds. It’s only when the spirits from the other side get tired of this cast of assh8les and decide to take control of the dead body and go on a rampage that the story really picks up it's pace.

The second story, by Dario Argento, is no other than “The Black Cat”, a great story and a really sick and twisted look into the human creativity.

The movie however? Weird as hell, we follow Harvey Keitel playing a freelance photographer who’s girlfriend’s cat is driving insane. That’s about it without going into spoiler territory, however, if you read the story, you know it doesn’t end well for anyone.

All right, my thought on the first movie, The facts in the case of Mr Valdemar? All right at best.

One of the many problems is the fact that the story is amazingly slow, and the good part doesn’t come till the last five minutes or so, and of course Romero found a way to work some zombies in there somewhere. But yeah, as a standalone movie, it’s good, the characters are unlikable, sure, but their motives are clear and the situation they find themselves in is enjoyable to watch. And the ending is actually rewarding.

However, then we come to the point where I find myself obligated to talk about the Argento part.

The only way I can describe it, is as a putrid aftertaste to an already bland cake with some little chocolate bits here and there.

I’m really not a fan of it, it might be the confusing plot, the cruel and strange tone, or the throwaway characters.

The vibe is very weird, I guess that the story of a man going slowly insane should feel uneasy and weird, but I’m getting an overall feel of “Overtrying artsy-ness”.

The plot is all over the place, and a medieval dream sequence didn’t help my confusion, and you have to sink pretty low too make Hervey Keitel act like he’s got a stick up his ass (Watch the movie, you’ll get the joke).

But yeah, this part has some pretty big names, mainly Harvey Keitel who’s an amazing actor, and even…wait, is that Darla, Julie Benz? And he gave her the role of an extra? Damn you Argento, and you wonder why we can’t get along?

But even with the best actor, this part just seems to fall flat. And here’s another thing, I said in my top 10 favorite movies that the theme of the slow decent into madness is one of my favorite subject, the decadence of the soul is something I am very well accustom to, and it never seems to amaze me nonetheless, so this should be a feast for my eyes, but I the story is just too confusing, letting you hope for a higher meaning, a touch of symbolism, but the movie just never delivers and never goes the extra mile to draw you in and keep you invested in either the characters or the setting. Cruel, confusing and never deeper than the bottom of my shoe, that’s it in a nutshell if you can take my word for it.

So if you decide to watch this movie, take your time with the first one, the effects and story are rewarding in the end, but go ahead and skip the second one.

Personal rating: 5

Critical rating: 5.5

Things I’ve learned from “Two Evil Eyes”:

- The ‘Ripley’ hairdo made you irresistible in the 80s.

- This movie has the worse opening theme ever.

- Zombies don’t need lip sinc

- When the door open and a bunch of elves call you out to follow them, it’s probably best to lay off the liquor for a while.

- Nearly murdering an entire room of cops by acting like a dumbass to get some good pictures of half a naked chick is shrugged off by the officers like a minor inconvenience.

- In hindsight, going out with a guy who takes daily pictures of mutilated corpses wasn’t such a fresh idea to start with.

Sinister 2012 Review

Sinister

The killing ‘meh’

Well, about time I review a recent horror movie, last one I did turned out to be about musical chairs, so let’s hope that this one has something resembling a storyline.

It might be easy to notice that I’m not that big of a fan of Hollywood and it’s money-whoring habits at the moment, sure there is some gold to be found while searching trough  pop artists who’s balls haven’t dropped yet and shitty teen drama romance that makes my gag reflexes strongly react to its sheer stupidity every time someone chooses for the sparkling twat.

But the gold is there, horror movies like Mama and even the Evil Dead remake (didn’t hate it, I’ll probably explain further my opinion someday, hold your pitchforks at bay people) give me hope that there is yet a chance that this storm that surrounds our movie theaters  will soon come to pass.

But where was I? Oh yeah, the highly praised “Sinister”, Scariest movie of 2012 and all other great talk, bout time I give that bad boy a watch.

“Totally not Jack Nicholson from the Shining” obsessed horror writer Ellison Oswalt decides that it would be a kick-ass idea for his children to grow up in a murder house, why? So he can write a book about the horrible murder of an entire family that happened not that long ago. A troubled probably alcoholic writer obsessed with getting his story no matter what? You sure Stephen King didn’t write this one? Unfortunately not, but moving on, a strange box keeps appearing in the house bearing a strange collection of 8mm films, our dear buddy Oswalt decides to give it a watch and ends up strung along in a conspiracy about a demonic psychopath’s picnic and pool party with a very dark twist.

First thoughts about this movie? The atmosphere was okay, the characters two dimensional and the acting was bearable, and given there are some kid actors in this one, it’s quite the compliment.

But did it make me soil my panties and run in fear screaming like a little b8tch? Seeing as that my neighbors haven’t yet called the cops complaining about a maniac running down the street screaming something about the lead guitarist of Slipknot being out to get him, I’ll have to say ‘oh sweet mamma with a cherry on top hells no with a capital N.

Predictable cheap jump scares, running annoying little ghost brats and a (even more) psychotic  Mick Thompson, come on guys, gotta try harder than that.

The story was okay I guess, the only real scare factor in this movie were the tapes, that sometimes are just plain disturbing, and that was great, it’s just a shame that the idea bucket ran out around halfway through the movie and they decided to go down in cliché avenue with a quick stop at Boreville.

I’m perhaps being a little too rough with Sinister, also seeing as it was partially written by another internet critic C. Robert Cargill from Spill.com it should be at least able to avoid the common horror clichés, but for a movie as praised as this one, it’s unforgiving, it didn’t really bring anything new to the table, and even though the video viewing parts were great and the twist at the end waspretty obvious but still enjoyable, it didn’t raise the bar or even tried to.

Overall not really a bad movie, but the constant praise were highly exaggerated and left me with only one word in my mouth, Mhe…

Personal rating: 6

Critical rating: 6.5

Things I’ve learned from “Sinister”:

- Possibly the best missed opportunity for a “I heard the pool party kinda died after I went home” joke

- Painting on the wall is cute and all, until the axe comes into play.

- How to mow your lawn like a OH GOD WTF WAS THAT??

- Always watch the last parts of a video

Top 10 Favorite movies (5/1)

#5:

RESERVOIR DOGS / PULP FICTION 

Did I already say that Tarantino was a freaking genius? Oh wait, I did? Well, it’s something worth repeating I guess, Tarantino is a freaking genius.

I guess it’s a bit cheating to pick these two at the same time but it’s virtually impossible for me to pick only one as a 5e place, so f8ck it, here’s my 5.5 and my 5.0. and besides, I already cheated with my number eight and no one complained about that one either.

Remember what I said about Tarantino’s writing skills when I talked about ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’? well, same story here, brilliant dialogue and multilayered characters.

Pulp Fiction, probably the more famous of the two, tells the tale of multiple characters who’s stories will cross paths. When a boxer fails to deliver his part in a fixed match, he finds himself on the run from a mob boss and his henchmen, all while one of the henchmen finds himself in a tricky situation as he is asked to take his boss’s wife on a date.

In Reservoir Dogs, a group of robbers try to get back together after a pseudo failed robbery at a jewelry store. Almost the entire movie is shot in the same room, and only leaves once or twice to tell some backstory. And my god, this is where Tarantino’s writing skills shines the brightest. I won’t give anything away apart from the fact that these two movies are something no one should miss.

#4:

JURASSIC PARK

What can I say that hasn’t been said about this movie? Apart from the fact that I have seen this movie so often I can recite the each spoken dialogue in the right order without any problems…in two languages.

A handful of people find themselves stuck on an amusement park island that hosts real live dinosaurs, and of course the things escape and carnage ensue.

This movie blew me away as a kid, hell, it blew everyone and everything away when it came out. The atmosphere, the effects, everything was way ahead of its time, it surprising that the effects look more realistic than any movie that has come out in the past ten years, and for a movie that is 20 years old…damn that’s saying a lot. Jurassic Park was my favorite movie as a kid, and it still holds a very special place in my hearth even today for having started my obsession with these beautiful reptiles ever since.

#3: 

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILLOGY

Yeah, how could these movies NOT be on a top ten favorite list? The adventure, the amazing world that is middle earth, the characters, the battles, simply everything.

An ancient evil awakens in Mordor as a simple hobbit must make a long and perilous journey to destroy an artifact that could change the outcome of the war if fallen in the wrong hands. With a fellowship of trusty friends and capable warriors, this tale refines the difference between good and evil, and gave us an epic as never seen before.

Yes, I believe this to be the best trilogy of movies ever made, and I’m ready to fight anyone over that opinion, bring it star wars geeks, JarJar Binks can testify.

These movies are the true definition of an epic, a long journey to save the world from an overwhelming evil, with many great battles to keep the tension up.

Tolkien based his books heavily on Norse mythology, something I have spent perhaps too much time studying  and that still amaze me each time I read about it, each story is definitely a recommendation, even if they are more than a thousand years old, at least it won’t put you to sleep like other old documentations of religious events.

What else is there to say about these movies apart that they are on my number 3 for very good reasons.

#2: 

EVIL DEAD 2

Yeah, we knew this one was coming. For those three or five people who have read my review on this little masterpiece of a B movie, they know how much I adore Evil Dead 2. It’s one of the only movie whereas you could ask me literally anytime if I wanted to watch it, that I would say yes ten times out of ten.

What makes this movie so great? How about the style, the acting, the effects, the dialogue, the humor, the horror, the sets and everything else that this movie does.

I have a very personal history with this movie, and it still entertains me after all these years, even more, it changed me as a person, which is something that not many things can do.

Ash finds himself with his girlfriend in a cabin in the middle of the woods when he decides to play a recording of demonic chanting, and as movie logic would have it, the demons see this as a BYOB party and wreck the place by possessing everything that moves, and even that doesn’t move. It’s however how Ash decides to deal with this that makes the movie so great, at first he loses his mind, and then decides he has had it with this sh8t and with a chainsaw in the one hand, and a boomstick in the other goes to town on those sorry hell spawns.

This movie made me the man I am today and I’ll be damned if it ain’t one of my favorite movie.

But wait, how could any movie possibly top Evil dead 2? The movie that influenced me the most and had no other than Bruce Campbell kick demonic ass like a boss? Well…

#1: 

DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE 

(Cemetery Man)

My all-time favorite movie, one who stands proud above all others. I first only saw a glimpse of this movie when my father and I were looking for a cheesy 80’s one-liners fest. I only caught a single scene, but that was all it took. I looked it up later on my own and I fell in love with it. I feel I can’t do it justice in such a short resume on a top 10, so I hereby promise that I will review it in all its glory in the future.

But in short, what is it about? Love, death, life and the insanity that comes along with it, what happens when you make a promise you can’t keep by throwing the word “forever” and how it can bite you back the ass, hard. Francesco Dellamorte is the groundkeeper at the Buffalore cemetery, his lonely life consist of putting the dead back to sleep when they decide to wake up, yes, this is a zombie movie.

But strangely enough the zombies are but an undertone of the movie, where the focus really shines is in our lovesick protagonist and his damned romance that begins in tragedy and ends in death.

To truly understand this movie you’ll have to watch it for yourself, and even then, the movie is so full of obstructed symbolism and themes that it will take more than a few views to get an idea of the true story that this tragedy tells. Like War Of The Roses, a huge aspect of the movie revolve around the slow decent into madness and the pain that comes from passion.

This movie is for me the perfection of the human art, to others it might seem like a very weird movie about zombies and some romance in the mix, and I respect that, but for me, it’s simply perfect.

The depth that this movie brings for someone who can truly see what lies beneath the surface is something that I truly admire and love with a passion beyond words.

Honorable mentions:

#16: Evil Dead 3: Army Of Darkness

#17: Merlin (1998)

#18: Constantine

#19: Serenity

#20:Sweeny Todd