Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Satan's Little Helper review

Satan's Little Helper
how a deranged kid and his demonic BFF destroyed a town 
and my obsession with Katheryne Winnick began

You know that one movie you bought because the cover looks just awesome, and when you watch it turns out to be a bad acted b-movie with a cheap story? Yeah, me too, love every second of it.
Satan's little helper is just that, it ain’t too old, it's gory, it's funny, what can I say? It’s an awesome and interesting B-movie. Directed by Jeff Lieberman (yeah, never heard of him either) in 2004,  this movie is the perfect Halloween themed entertainment for pretty much anyone,  giving they don't have the sense of humor of a brick (apologies to Kirsten Steward).

The story of this movie is pretty interesting for a horror flick, well, to be honest a good story is pretty much the only thing this movie has going for, ok, except for another thing but we'll get to the medieval hotty hotness later. The main character of this story is Dougie, a kid who is obsessed with the game 'Satan’s little helper', a crappy flash game that the creators of the movie spend maybe less than five minutes animating with f8ing office paint. Anyway, the main idea of the game is to help Satan kill as many people as possible,  yeah, that sounds...healthy. whatever happened to the good old days when games were about saving a princess from a mutated turtle or getting it on with a hooker in your stolen car, killing her with your bare fists take back your money and buy a flamethrower to burn the innocents to ashes until you had six stars and they had to bring the f8cking army to stop you...yeah I know, I have issues.
Anyway, Dougie's sister, Jenna AKA miss mc-hotty comes back from college to spend Halloween with her little brother and brings along her boyfriend Alex, and since Dougie's pretty possessive of his sister he gets pretty pissed off and runs off to 'find Satan'. He does not find Satan unfortunately but he does find a psychopath dressed as Satan who places the bodies of his victims as Halloween decoration. Dougie begs if he can be his little helper, thinking the guy is actually the Satan from his game. They both then go on an epic quest to murder the whole f8ing town, and they do a pretty good job at it actually. It is only when Dougie realize it all is real and that it's not a joke that he starts to panic (and seriously, how could he have thought it was a joke? Satan literally stabbed a dude in front of him, that's gotta be the best prank ever. Bite your heart out Ashton Kutcher).
So little Dougie runs off home and try to stop his deranged psychopath BFF from killing his family and what is left of the town.

Katheryn Winnick playing Dougie's sister, Jena.
It’s one of those movies where they had a pretty good concept but also unfortunately the everlasting curse of the poor budget. After ten minutes in the movie I seriously started to wonder whether I would watch it or turn it off lying to myself I did my best. But after a while it got better, well not the acting, that was still horrible, really, really horrible. But later on in the movie I found myself enjoying this movie, quite a lot actually. Ok maybe the fact that Dougie’s sister Jenna decided to wear a skin thigh corset that really that really showed her (Ehm) acting skills throughout the rest of the movie really helped me loving the hell out of this, but still.
The problem i do have with this movie however, is the kid who plays Dougie. My god, I mean really...I've seen some bad actors in my days, I've also seen child actors, and believe me when I say that this kid is one of the worse I’ve ever seen.  Not one emotion is rightly timed or believable. Everything that comes out of the kid’s mouth makes you want to shove a pair of scissors in your ears. I guess a lot can be blamed on the writers, some of the lines are just plain stupid, but the kids inability to act beyond the level of ‘third grade play’ makes this movie pretty hard to watch at times. And someone tell him he is allowed to close his mouth
between lines, I honestly believe that he is incapable to breathe through his nose, either that or the kid’s retarded and I’m going to hell for making fun of his handicap. But either way, I don’t think I’ve seen him with his mouth close for a single frame in this movie, dammit kid, you ain’t trying to catch flies, close that thing every once in a while.
There are some parts of this movie that are so out of place that it instantly makes it hilarious for all the wrong reasons, the biggest example is probably the ‘friendship’ between the kid and Satan,  if you would edit it a bit you could change this into a kid’s friendly movie about a boy and his best friend Satan shopping, walking through the park, playing in parking lots with shopping carts, all it needs is a bit of music really XD.
The biggest problem I have with this movie apart from the horrible acting and the poor budget is the big message they try to send, “Videogames are bad and make people accept violence! Praise the lord Jesus Christ and not Satan and all that bulls8t”, yeah, because before videogames there were absolutely no psycho’s, tell that to Ed Gain, someone who probably hasn’t seen a TV in his whole life, but I’m getting off topic here.
The whole movie everybody seems to be obsessed with this game, Dougie’s mother is having a blast, Jenna’s boy-toy is trying to beat the high score, and even some potheads outside find the game and play it like Paris Hilton at a coke party. Let me just say that apparently Jeff Lieberman is not a gamer, and knows nothing of that subject.  And I know I go on about this detail a bit too much but it was something that bothered me throughout the whole movie really, propaganding us proud gamers like a bunch of slow sadistic rejects of society, now if you don’t mind I got to wrap this review up, two more hookers and I get an achievement, whohoo, flamethrower.

Things I’ve learned from ‘Satan’s little helper’:
- Satan’s a pretty cool guy, until you tell him he can’t rape your sister of course
- Drinking beer at a party? Try bleach, now that’s my kind of party.
- The police’s IQ in a horror movie has never been so low
- Everybody in this town is retarded, I’m not joking
- Who needs acting skills when you’ve got a cleavage? :D

Personal rating: 7/10

Critical rating: 5/10


  1. anyway Katheryn Winnick can act very good as Lagertha she is really kickass

    1. Yeah :D she's great, I'm really happy she's going up the hollywood ladder, can't wait to watch Vikings