Sint
Bloodshed
and Pepernoten
Aww
yeah, time to get some culture up in this b8tch.
For those
of you who don’t know, I live in the northern European country of Holland,
where the weather’s sh8t and the potheads are many. As much as I sometimes
dislike the country and its lack of mountains, genuine eatable food, horrible
driving habit and overall simply retarded government, if there’s one thing I’m grateful
for, it’s the extra holydays (and the beer is also worth mentioning).
Seriously,
there are so many holydays in this country, it’s impossible to count, the Dutch
don’t drop their pants without taking the day off to celebrate. You’ve got the
day big J was born, the day he died, the
day he rose up again, the day he went up to heaven, the day he got his first
beer. Hell, they even have a holyday named “Koninginnedag” (admit it kinda sounds like a Norwegian deathmetal band), but I dare you to find anyone who actually knows what the hell
they are celebrating.
But one
of these Holyday’s is on the fifth of December called “Sinterklaas”, where an
anorexic Santa gets of his cruise ship with his countless racial offensive ‘helpers’
and goes around scaring the hell out of your kids and throwing candy to your
face that taste like a camel’s a88 covered in spices.
But technically,
it’s exactly the same as Christmas(an holyday the Dutch also celebrates 20 days
later), except Santa put down his slim Jim and the elves are literal 18e
century slaves who brings presents to all little good boys and girls, which
instead of putting them under a tree, they proceed to cram into their wooden
shoes because the concept of actually being able to walk was optional in
Holland.
So of
course, in 2010, someone thought it was a great idea to copy “Santa Slay” and
give our friendly bearded friend a makeover, said genius was Dick Maas, who
also made a movie about a killer elevator that was awesome and that I definitely
recommend ( ‘De Lift’) , but who now makes movies about killer festivities, how
low one can fall…
So in
the spirit of December, and one day after Sinterklaas, let’s take a look at the
Dutch horror fest: Sint,
It’s 5 December
once again it the great capital of the Rastafarian worldwide, Amsterdam, and
everyone is busy preparing for yet another holyday. Well, except for detective
Hoekstra, although he is also preparing but in his own way, which involves a
surprising amount of firepower, because he know that if there is a full moon on
the fifth of November, the friendly saint Nicholas, who was a ruthless child
kidnapping pirate back in the days, will set port with his nightmarish ship and
his army of the death to murder, pillage and burn the city to the ground.
And as
the full moon is just about to rise on this faithful night, we follow a desperate
attempt to stop this massacre by Hoekstra and other soon to be dead underperformed
teenagers.
Lost ya
didn’t I? it’s probably around this point that you’ve come to wonder “pirates,
ghostship, undead army, is this the Dutch Pirates of the Caribbean??”
And unfortunately
I’ll have to answer no, although I’m sure Depp would make this movie quite interesting,
the whole pirates thing is pretty easily overshadowed when you see an undead St
Nicholas riding on rooftops with his horse to escape the cops.
And before
you ask, is this movie mean to be silly, yes. Oh yes it is, but that doesn’t
mean it can’t have some great scares here and there.
The acting’s
bearable, for the most part at least, the main teenager is a tad bit annoying at
times and everybody seems to be reading lines instead of trying to give life to
a character, but eh, I had my expectation lowered when I heard about this movie
anyway.
The atmosphere
in the later acts of this movie are great but I still feel like the ending
just kinda happened, very little build up, no real feel of urgency, just disappointing
and rushed.
But really
it’s not about the characters or the story, it’s about seeing St Nick coming to
town killing and maiming and being an all-around badass, and then leaving ,
kind of a simple summary for the whole movie I guess, and while it lasted, I kind
of liked it.
But the
biggest problem I fear for ‘Sint’ is the language and cultural barrier, which
for non-Netherlanders can be kinda hard to pull trough. As far as I know there
isn’t a dub, so if any non-Dutch want to give it a try, brace yourselves, it can be rough.
So at
the end of the day, is it worth watching? Well, it’s as good as one would
expect. But I’m not so sure that’s a compliment…
Personal
rating: 6/10
Critical
rating: 4.5/10
Things I’ve
learned from “Sint”
- Did
they just blow up all those kids at the end?? HOW IS THIS A GOOD THING??
- Zombie
ninja pirates are awesome at stealing yo kidz
- Cops
are d8cks
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