Sunday, October 20, 2013

It's Alive 2008

It’s Alive
the greatest condom commercial of all times, next to Gary Busey.

We've seen it all, haven’t we? Killer robots, giant spiders, giant robot spiders, zombies, psychopaths, clowns from outer space, ghosts, pissed off elves, maniac leprechauns, killer vagina’s, sharkpedo’s and even goddamn Santa clause seems to have gone homicidal, so really it was only a matter of time before we came across a killer baby.
Yes people, a killer baby indeed. Because apparently the only thing you need to make a movie is half a braincell and the ability to point your finger at a random word in the dictionary, two if you’re feeling fancy, and in this case the lucky words of the day were: Shut the hell up and watch this baby rip this guy’s head of for some reason.
Although saying that the writers of this little mess had the idea all by themselves would be putting too much faith in them, it’s actually a remake. A remake of a movie I’ve never seen. Reviewing a remake without having seen the original? This sounds promising.

So what’s this movie about? A rabbit finds a baby kangaroo and together they go on an epic quest to find the letter Q. it’s about a killer baby dammit! I’m pretty sure you can fill in the blanks. Mother has child, child is the spawn of Satan and kills people in all its CGI glory while the mother looks at him in her useless self, whispering ”That’s a good boy, my sweetheart needs a bath, it looks like you've got some Mr Wilkins on you” and the father is too busy doing f8ck all off screen to bother with the fact that his week old son has rounded up the population of the town to compete with the numbers of good books written by Stephenie Meyers…so to zero pretty much for those out there that though ‘the short second life of bland blander’ was ‘barable’.

All right, so is this movie any good? Well it might come as a shocker but no, really not. Although I am completely behind the idea of a homicidal infant, I’ll have to go with the little voice in my head and say this movie is proper crap.
Why? Well for one, the characters make no sense, the dad is never around and when he finally decide to show his face on set he is as useful as tits on a nun, but that’s at least better than the mother character. I get the whole “motherly love”, but when you’re kid start bringing dead animals home and eat them, I say it’s a good moment to call some help, and hopefully a priest…and an AK47 just in case. (And if the priest “kicks ass for the lord”, all the better)
She is utterly unobvious to the fact that her child is the f8ing resurrection of Patrick Bateman mixed with Ed Gain and a safe dose of goddamn crazy, and when she finally start suspecting something, she does nothing except washing the blood from her friends off her baby.
But the biggest of all flaws is the missed opportunities, for one: you have a movie called “It’s alive” and not a single Frankenstein’s reference? I’d even settle for a shot of Boris Karloff walking in the background, just saying.
And two, and probably most important, having a kid in a wheelchair and not getting creative with it. I mean, in an all-white horror movie, a wheelchair bound character is basically a giant rolling neon sign saying: “gonna die horribly in a really twisted way”. And guess what, the kid doesn't die, he doesn't even get a scratch on him. When the movie “DOOM” does something better, it’s time to take your movie on a date and rethink your marriage.

The effects are laughable, and not in a good way. All CGI, not a single practical effect, except for the blood that looks as believable as spilling kool aid over your buddies. The dialogue is silly at best and the movie takes itself way too serious. If it was trying to be funny I’d give the effects a free pass and see it as a silly little mess rather than a complete train wreck. The story is predictable and feels incomplete, why is that kid a monster? Never explained, so here’s the theory I came up after a half bottle of vodka with my friend from ‘a horror diary’, Melanie: this movie is actually child play 4, Chucky sneaked in the hospital at the time of birth, took care of the doctors with witty comebacks and an ax to the face, told the kid his secret for loophole sake, and got the kid’s body, however unable to speak he still goes on murderous rampages. Honestly tough, my drunken theories makes more sense than the whole movie. But anyway, not a great movie overall, maybe alright as white noise at a party, but I hope the original is better, by the looks of the trailer, they at least had the goofy side of things right.

Personal rating: 3.5

Critical rating: 4

Things I’ve learned from “It’s Alive”
- Good to know the baby from “Braindead” is still getting work.
- I’ve never seen so many people with different nationalities work on one movie.
- The best part are the credits, try to find a name that doesn’t end with a V, I swear to god there are more Droshnikov’s and Popov’s than retards at a klan meeting.


  1. ""Because apparently the only thing you need to make a movie is half a braincell and the ability to point your finger at a random word in the dictionary, two if you’re feeling fancy"

    This will be my new quote hahahahaha

  2. They should rename this movie to "The birth of Loan".

    1. please, i was adorable as a kid, anyone who disagreed met my buddy mr 'chaisaw to the face'